Or that I'm that mom.
Nope.
It's the one where I shared how we split the "disgusting" in our household:
Jackie = Team Poo, while Bry is Team = Puke.
I should have known better then to divulge this information to the blogosphere.
I should have kept my big mouth shut.
Why?
I can feel the sand between my toes, as I head into the crisp, blue sea. The salty air hitting my face, as the sea gulls fly over head. I am someplace exotic, warm, and tropical. All my worries gone, as I wade deeper in the water.
"Mom! Mommy! Mommy!" the voice sounds far away, perhaps out in the sea.
"Hmm?" I ask, blocking the rays from my face. "what?"
"Mom! MAMA!" the voice louder, as I turn around and
open my eyes.
Lying in my bed, cuddled between the sheets, I hear my name again.
6:12 am.
Leaving my paradise behind, I stumble across the hallway to Maeve's room. Her sweet voice calling my name again.
Opening the door, the glow of her nightlight shines on her face.
"What's going on Shine?" I ask, walking around to the side of the crib, when I see it.
All of it has been overtaken.
The sheets,
the stuffed animals,
the pajamas,
the crib slats,
all covered in vomit.
"Hi mom!" she says, reaching her arms up to me. Her pajamas and sleep sack covered in the same reddish hue.
F**K ME, as I feel my dinner from the night before churning in my stomach.
Carefully picking her up from the confines of the vomit filled crib, I manage to supress my own vomit, as I disrobe her. Her face, hair, and hands have somehow managed to stay clean.
Yeah, thank you God!
So I slap some new pjs on her with the intention of sweeping her up and plopping her in my bed as Bry takes over.
"Paci?"
Her baby blues look up to me.
Crap
Looking to the shelf where they lay, it's empty.
Crap
Looking to the shelf where they lay, it's empty.
Crap
My eyes scan the contaminated crib.
Crap again
Among the small piles of regurgitated dinner, I see it.
Crap to the fourth
"Paci!" she cries, nuzzling her head into my shoulder. She rolls her face towards me and says it again as our eyes meet, "Paci?"
Crapty Crap Crap!
I did not sign up for this. I'm TEAM POO! This is obviously vomit, so what the hell am I doing sticking my hand into a vomit filled crib grabbing a plastic paci that will eventually return to her mouth?
Somehow, I manage to pick up, with only my fingertips the blue plastic sucker. Dangling it out front, as far from my nasal passages as possible, I head into the bathroom. Thinking the pressure from the spout will be enough to wash off the puke, I hold it under.
Wrong.
It's dried a bit, so I must actually, between gags, use my fingers to scrap off the dried puke, now reconstituted in the water to wet puke.
Yes, dried puke introduced to water now has become wet puke again* and like the go getter parent I am, I'm scrubbing it off into my recently cleaned bathroom sink.
*I just threw up in mouth a bit when I typed that sentence.
Somehow, I manage to pick up, with only my fingertips the blue plastic sucker. Dangling it out front, as far from my nasal passages as possible, I head into the bathroom. Thinking the pressure from the spout will be enough to wash off the puke, I hold it under.
Wrong.
It's dried a bit, so I must actually, between gags, use my fingers to scrap off the dried puke, now reconstituted in the water to wet puke.
Yes, dried puke introduced to water now has become wet puke again* and like the go getter parent I am, I'm scrubbing it off into my recently cleaned bathroom sink.
*I just threw up in mouth a bit when I typed that sentence.
Getting the paci back to acceptable cleanliness, I plop that baby in her mouth, and into our bedroom we roll.
Climbing into the bed, pulling the covers up over the toddler resting on my chest, I nudge sleeping Bry, hard.
"Maeve has puked all over." I say.
Hearing puke must have alerted his senses, because this is most awake I've ever seen him before seven am.
"You need to clean it up, " I mutter, as I close my eyes.
"Got it!" he says, wiping the sleep from his own eyes, as he heads out the door akin to a Zombie.
Not more then a minute later, he's awake, wide awake, as he pushes open the door again to say, "Oh my God Jac, what the f--k did she do? I don't even know where to start?"
"I'd get some paper towels and the spray downstairs." I say, closing my eyes again, readjusting the covers around Maeve and I.
He's Team Puke after all. I have every confidence he can figure out how to clean it up, while Maeve and I finish our nap.
Climbing into the bed, pulling the covers up over the toddler resting on my chest, I nudge sleeping Bry, hard.
"Maeve has puked all over." I say.
Hearing puke must have alerted his senses, because this is most awake I've ever seen him before seven am.
"You need to clean it up, " I mutter, as I close my eyes.
"Got it!" he says, wiping the sleep from his own eyes, as he heads out the door akin to a Zombie.
Not more then a minute later, he's awake, wide awake, as he pushes open the door again to say, "Oh my God Jac, what the f--k did she do? I don't even know where to start?"
"I'd get some paper towels and the spray downstairs." I say, closing my eyes again, readjusting the covers around Maeve and I.
He's Team Puke after all. I have every confidence he can figure out how to clean it up, while Maeve and I finish our nap.
I, too, have a puke aversion. I can take care of just about any other bodily fluid...but not puke.
ReplyDeleteThe one time I've had to take care of it was while babysitting a toddler. Poor girlie would throw up and then look at me and say "Ewww, ewwww, ewww". I think I filled the washing machine with dirty clothes, blankets and towels before her parents made it home. All while her older brother helpfully told me about every time he had ever thrown up!
They didn't pay me enough for that evening....I needed me a Bry that night!
My favorite "other word" for puke is HORK. It's a good one.
ReplyDeleteThis was a fabulous post - I love how you got jarred awake from your beach dream and confronted with all that hork. Poor you - the disgusting side of parenting!
I am team puke in my family and we've had some good ones. I envy you. However, if I wasn't team puke, I would end up having to clean up my husband's puke as well, so I just suck it up (not literally) and do it. Thank god they are getting big enough to just make it to the bathroom, but we had a good one last year that actually required new baseboards behind my son's bed.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
We have the same team at our house too. I cannot HANDLE PUKE. And honestly - I think I might've thrown up a bit in my mouth just reading this. Between the giggles, that is, being that I can completely relate.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
I, too, am Team Poo all the way. I applaud you for getting the Paci. I think I would've flipped out had that been me. :)
ReplyDeleteWhoa. I mean WHOA. You parents have all my undying respect and appreciation and all that jazz, cause I could NEVER do what either of you had to do. I mean I suppose I could. I shoveled horse crap for years. I still scoop litter boxes daily. But STILL...
ReplyDeleteick. For all that, you deserve lots of yeah write votes this week!
Wow! I am in total awe of your husband right now. As you are well aware of my own puking kids...but my husband would not ever be woken up like you woke your husband up and clean up the puke. Your hubby really deserves an award or something ;)
ReplyDeleteI would love the same set up, unfortunately poo reigns in our house and I would never get a break!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have the husband. And I'm really happy there are no kids in my house at the moment...
ReplyDeleteMy favorite part ---> "Not more then a minute later, he's awake, wide awake, as he pushes open the door again to say, "Oh my God Jac, what the f--k did she do? I don't even know where to start?" Oh, have I been there! Thanks for making me laugh out loud!
ReplyDeleteOh, gads. That sounds terrible. See, I think Team Poo is worse, though, because blowouts can be a regular event whereas puke happens only once in a while (hopefully).
ReplyDeleteLaura, if my gag reflex could handle the vomit, I totally would be Team Puke, BUT I just can't stomach it! He, meanwhile, dry heaves regularly from the smell of a poo diaper!
DeleteFunny in a very gross kind of way. And I want a do-over. I am Team Everything in this house. Ellen
ReplyDeleteI recently dealt with A LOT of puke when the toddler caught a stomach buy (from me, but whatever). He puked into my hands a few times too, in my attempt to minimize cleaning the couch/ bed/ sheets/ blanket/ his clothes.
ReplyDeleteI hope that visual did not make you er, puke a little in your mouth :)
Oh Alison, that would be like some lower level of the rings of hell for me! I did almost hork a little in my mouth reading it!
DeleteMy husband would say "yeah, I'll clean that right up," and then roll over, go back to sleep and have no memory of the conversation the next day. Such a big helper he is! I suppose having the puke (relatively) contained in the crib is better than being jolted out of the beach dream by the kid who stands next to your bed and says "mommy, I think I'm going to be..." and horks (thanks, Ado) all over the floor next to your bed. That makes for a really, really fun middle of the night activity. Sigh. Parenting: the dark side.
ReplyDeleteSorry about your interrupted dream. Oh, and the puke. I can appreciate that you've divided up the nasty duties in your household that way. Might have to steal that idea. We once had a similar situation, except replace the vomit with poo. Diarrhea everywhere. It smelled awesome in that room. These things always seem to happen in the middle of the night, no?
ReplyDeleteCompletely unrelated, but LOVE your daughter's name. It was once on our girl list. It's beautiful.
We had a similar situation almost exactly a year ago, just before the Little Dude started really speaking. He slept later than usual and when we went in to get him, he and his whole crib were saturated. Just wondered how long he'd been in that state. Poor little guy. And poor wife who had to clean it all up.
ReplyDeleteThe night my oldest made it to the bathroom for the first time to throw-up instead of standing next to my bed and vomiting on the floor, I was so, so happy. Definitely a Yeah Write worthy post! ;)
ReplyDeleteSo, you're saying you think you jinxed yourself by talking about team poo and team vomit? Yeah, I'd probably think that too. But man, I think I love your husband for not whining about getting out of bed to clean it up!
ReplyDeleteI used to be in charge of poo. Until the parenting was just me. Now, I'm team everything. I feel your pain!
ReplyDelete