Saturday, April 21, 2012

Love can be shitty

To Mom Mom and any other person who will be offended by vulgarity. I apologize in advance. I fully intend to offer a rosary up as penance for this piece, though I do think God has a sense of humor.

"Whatever you had planned, can be put off! I'm going to take care of dinner tonight!" he starts. "I've got to be in Philly today, at the Convention center which means I'll be right next to the the Market*. How about I pick up some sausage & fish for dinner? I'll throw it on the grill. We can have a nice meal. What do you think?"

"Yippee! Sounds like a plan!" I eagerly respond. "Throw those chicken thighs back in the freezer."

Coming home from the park, just after six, he is in his glory in the kitchen preparing dinner.

"I got this fish, something called butterfish. It's like a white tuna. Supposedly it cooks well" he says as he holds up the sturdy piece of white fish. "I was considering doing a full fish."

I crinkle my nose in response.

"Glad I steered clear of the whole fish then. I got some green onions and asparagus too. I picked up a kielbasa for the girls. Should be a good dinner." he finishes, heading to the door. "I've got the grill warmed up. I'll be back in a few."

Dinner is fabulous.

The fish has a light buttery flavor which is further complimented by the garlic, onions, olive oil and lemon juice he uses as a marinade. The grilled asparagus and green onions have similar seasonings, creating quite a delicious meal.

And really, a meal cooked for you always does seem to taste that much better.

I quickly devour the fish.

"It's so light, yet has a steak like bite" I say. "Good pick, Babe."

"Thanks" he continues. "They had sword(fish), tuna, and some other stuff, but this looked pretty fresh. Plus, we like to try new things."

In between my own bites, I notice he has consumed little of his own.

"What's up?" I ask. "Aren't you feeling it?"

"Ah, it's okay." he says. "You know how it is. Most of the time when I cook something I end up not eating too much of it. It's just how it is. I cooked this because I know you love it."

I smile. "Thanks babe!" I offer.

"You know," he says, "the last time I think I really actually ate a lot of what I cooked was when I made that paella. Remember that? Ah, that was a good meal!"

"Yeah." I nod. "You did house that!"

I look down, and notice my plate is empty, save for a few pieces of scaly fish skin.

"Well, for me. You can totally pick up this butter fish again. Good pick!"

Having suffered a migraine earlier in the day, I head to bed earlier than usual.

I am surprised when I find Bry standing next to the bed, waking me up.

Glancing to the clock, it's just after midnight.

"Seriously?" I ask. "What's up? Is everything okay?"

"No." he says, in a serious tone. "You need to hear this."

I am awake now, anxiously awaiting his comment.

"What?" I ask. "What's up?"

"You're going to hate me. Remember that fish you just ate?" he starts, panic in his voice.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"You know how we've never heard about it before?"


His voice is calm as he responds, "So I googled it and well, it can cause anal leakage."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" I ask, my voice now just under shouting.

"Apparently, it's some sort of fish, called escolar but people also call it white tuna or butterfish. It has some thing in it similar to that shit that used to be chips. You know, that olestra crap?" he rambles.

"Wait a second, that olestra crap made people shit themselves, right? That stuff was horrible!" I say.

"Well, this fish has something similar in it and it causes people to basically have liquid poo." he says.

"Why do they sell this? Who would eat it then? Why didn't we know?" I ask, wondering what sane person would consume such a food.

"Can you believe people consider it a delicacy?" he continues, "Some people eat it as sushi. But the magic number is 6 ounces. From what I read, if you eat under 6 ounces you'll be fine."

I take a breath and then ask, "How much would say was my piece?"

"7 ounces." he can't help but laugh as he responds.

"Fuck me. How long will this shit last?" I say.

He looks to me and says, "Well that's the main reason I woke you up. I didn't want you freaking out, thinking you were just farting in the middle of the night, and then it ends up you shit yourself, not just poo, but orange-yellowish oil that you can't control. There seems to be a consensus between 30 minutes and 36 hours for you to process this."

I am in disbelief this time. "It might take a day and a half for me to shit this shit out?"

"Well" he finishes, "I just wanted you to know. You know, so you don't freak out. You know, just in case you shit yourself."

"I guess I should say thanks?" I ask. "Really, I mean thanks for the heads up, but don't get that fish ever again."

He inches closer, kissing me on my forehead. "Good night babe. I love you so much and I'm so sorry about this fish shit. Sleep tight."

"Yeah, thanks" I say, as I turn over adjusting the pillow under my head.

Thankfully, the cast iron stomach I have inherited from my father keeps the escolar from doing it's damage. However, the simple threat of its power keeps me from sleeping soundly that night, for fear of my own ass leaking orange-yellow excrement.

Needless to say, the next time Bry heads to the Market, butterfish will not be on the shopping list.

After that, holy emotional post Batman! that was my submission last week, I've decided to link this stellar piece with Yeah Write! I really can't wait to read this comments. Please feel free to submit ideas for alternative titles, because, well, anal leakage brings out the best in everyone!


  1. Bwwaaahh!
    and I darn near peed myself laughing so hard at this! LOL
    just. poor man
    glad to hear all was with with...I mean in...ah hell, the end

  2. Glad you're ok. That story is hilarious!

  3. OMG!As i was laughing {sorry} Jackie, I was thinking about this fish we have in our pond named crappy! Hope you're OK!

  4. It's rare that I ever laugh so hard that i cry, but you've done it! I'm wiping tears off my face! Hilarious!

  5. Oh m God! I laughed out loud and people are staring at me. Got it---butterfish bad. Thanks for the giggle, Eri

  6. pretty sure i would never let him cook again..or at least only from pre-approved menu selections!

  7. oh my dear god, you're gonna got some fun google hits for this sh!t. ;D mental note: no butterfish. ever.

  8. OMG, this is hilarious and awful! Thank goodness for that stomach of steel.
    I love that he woke you up to 'share'. Who knew anal leakage could be this funny?!

  9. Wow, you evidently love your husband very much. What a "shitty" thing for him to do, wake you up from a sound sleep to give you that news. Could he not have waited to see how it "leaked" out before consoling you with the facts? I'm happy for you that your marriage will last til death do you part. I would have been not have taken it so well. But, it makes for a very funny story in your capable and loving hands.

  10. Oh had me holding my stomach laughing (sorry...well, not really). ;-)

  11. HHAHAHHAHHAHA I love how your hubby felt so bad about it too. Wow. Hilarious.

  12. ohmagah. And I thought drinking my own children's urine was bad. I think I'd take the pee over the thought of all this poop leakage! Good thing for your cast iron stomach. Mine would have left me skidmarking the bed all to hell :) :) :) Don't ask me why I'm leaving smiley faces.

  13. "Good night babe. I love you so much and I'm so sorry about this fish shit." This is what marriages are made of. Hilarious story!
    -Mama Mzungu

  14. LOL, butterfish is so good. I never had anal leakage and now I am scared to eat it again!!

  15. We need a public service announcement! I'll tweet it and ask the 13 people who follow me to re-tweet to their 3-4 followers. It'll take longer than a Breck commercial, but that word will get out!


  16. Oh holy anal leakage, that was hysterical! I'm glad you did not shit yourself and I am now aware of what fish to stay away from. You should call this a Public Service Announcement. Hahaha!

  17. OMG , glad you didn't get too sick. I love how much 'fun' you are having in your marriage ;)

  18. HA! That so seems like a conversation me and my husband would have. Glad the anal leakage didn't make an appearance...and glad you got a hilarious story to tell out of your momentary discomfort :)

  19. That is awesome!! I mean, I'm sure it wasn't awesome for you at the time, but what a great story! Unlike you, I absolutely do not have an iron stomach so I would be horrified!!

  20. Lol!! You really can't make this stuff up, I was afraid he woke you up because you unknowingly had had an

  21. Shit, that was hilarious!!!!!!!!!

    Very considerate of your husband to warn you about the possibility of a wet fart/ poop before it happened. :)

  22. Oh nooooo! This was so funny. Sorry to laugh at your misfortune :)

  23. I already thought fish was disgusting and now even moreso.

    When I was in college, our city was a test market for those Olestra chips. I knew some girls who ate tons of them. Then couldn't sit for a week.

  24. Oh. My. I was laughing SO hard at this! I'm a little late making the Yeah Write rounds this week, but I'm so glad I read your post! Fantastic! And I'm so glad you didn't experience any of the side effects. :-)


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