Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Gone

When we picked up the car from the Kia dealership, I marveled at the silver body. I eagerly adjusted the driver's seat to the right specifications for my frame and with a subtle tilt of the mirror, I comfortably pulled out from the dealership.

As the proud owners of our first minivan, away I drove, down the highway, heading home.

It was on that very first ride that I soon noticed another Kia Sedona minivan driving slowly in the right lane just in front of me. Never had I noticed cars of this make and model before, but that day, there is was, immediately to my right.

From that first trip since, it seems there has been an influx of Kia Sedonas on the road.

With each trip behind the wheel, be it a quick jaunt to the grocery store just around the block or a long ride down to the shore, I see Kia Sedona. It seriously seems that once we had purchased this car, their presence has multiplied in the great Philadelphia region.

Of course, intellectually I realize that this phenomenon has nothing to do with a surge in Kia ownership but rather prior to our purchase I was simply ignorant. I failed to notice the amount and frequency of these minivans out and about, since they had yet to permeate my brain as a loyal Kia owner.

Simple logic?
Yes.

Until this purchase was personal, I never had a reason to take notice of others in the same situation.

Unfortunately this logic has found it's way into my life in another manner.

Since my miscarriage in December, it seems that with each turn of my head, I'm bombarded with pregnancy.

Never had I noticed the amount of pregnant bumps until I was longing for one of my own.

I see them everywhere.

Sights of bellies at the park, walking down the street, or at the grocery store. Facebook, Twitter, and blogs seem to suddenly have higher references to pending delivery dates. Even celebrities have gotten more fertile. (hello, Snooki? Tori Spelling is pregnant again in what seems like a minute after delivering kid 3)

Either people have started having a lot more sex or it's just me.

It's just me.

I know this.

Rationally, I do.

But it doesn't make my heart ache less.

That pregnancy I lost was a pregnancy we wanted. The idea of a third child was something we had embraced and looked to eagerly.  It was desired, wished, and already imagined, and then it ended.

Dealing with loss is not fun.

The physical pain has longed since ended for me, and emotionally I am fine,

most of the time.

It's on the rare occasions I see a mother hand in hand with her two little kids like me, yet  pregnant again that jealousy invades.

It's in the stray comments that previously would have been overlooked, which suddenly carry more weight.

It's there when Moira goes into explicit detail describing the new baby brother she so desires, that my heart sinks.

It comes to the surface when a mother from preschool initiates a conversation about future children, that I think it may never happen again.

The emotions from this loss still haunt me. Less than before, but still they creep in.

I want to have another baby.

And just like those Kia Sedonas on the road, I do believe that for as long as I have baby on this brain, I will continue to see those pregnant bellies out and about.



Because it's Tuesday, and I can't quit 'em
I'm linking up:



And because this post is rather sappy and the stuff I believe Shell thought of when creating PYHO...








46 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you...I could pretend to have the right words to say, but in truth, I do not. All I can offer is a virtual hug and a heartfelt comment that even though I do not know you, and have never felt exactly what you're feeling, I care enough about you as a fellow human being to hold your sorrows close to my heart.

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  2. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage in December.
    I went through this too and yes, yes, yes - it seemed/seems like the whole world is pregnant. And it is awful. You want to be happy for them - and you are - and yet...
    Totally sucks.
    Hang in there, I hear you.

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  3. You may remember me from Sacred Heart when you were very little! I remember the lose of my one and only to miscarriage as if it was yesterday! God Bless you and I pray that you are blessed to add another child to your loving home.

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  4. Oh my sweet friend I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain. But what I want you to know is this... I'll be here if you need me to support you in any way possible if you need it; with prayers,support,and virtual hugs!

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  5. Good metaphor - and I'm sorry for your loss :(

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  6. Oh man, it's so true. Whatever it is that occupies your mind is what you see daily, sometimes seemingly every minute. Thinking of you and praying for you.

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  7. Beautifully written...you are so right! When I lost my two babies, everyone suddenly wanted to know when I would have children of my own (I have two stepkids). As you said, the entire world was suddenly pregnant!

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  8. A powerful post. Thank you for letting us in. It inspires me as a writer, to "go deep". (Some day!)

    When I had my baby in 2004, he was born with Down syndrome, soon thereafter I had feelings of jealousy when I saw moms with their perfect little newborns, and I wondered, why me? (My son's seven now, so I can say all this!) I kind of forgot that I felt that way, a lot, and your post reminded me. My loss, at the time, was different. But it still felt like a loss.

    Now, I feel so totally different! He's happy and healthy and reads and I call him monkey and he's social and yada-yada! I'm fine when I see babies and toddlers and older kids! (But it wasn't always that way.)

    I had him when I was 41, so having #2 was not an option.

    Now we are applying for foster care, in hopes of adopting some day!

    And thanks for commenting on my Twitter post! (It's a relationship, I mean a work in progress!)

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  9. I am sorry for your loss. I am searching for more to say, but you've said everything...and said it so well. I disagree with one minor point--this isn't sappy. It's your truth and very clearly articulated ;) thank you from the bottom of everything for sharing this....

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  10. (((hugs)))I am so sorry you are having to cope with such a loss. I've been through it several times...it always hurts. And seeing all those bellies and babies that weren't mine made me ache. May healing come your way...and may number three as well :)

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  11. I'm sorry for your loss. I don't exactly know the pain of the loss but I know the pain of wanting. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have yet to have children. We are still painfully waiting, patiently.

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  12. I found the same thing when I had my miscarriage between having Emory & my pregnancy with Harlan. It hurts like heck, but like alot of other things in life, we learn from it. Life is so so so so so precious & not one day goes by that I don't appreciate the healthy, fun-loving little boys that we have been blessed with! Hang in there & I pray that you are blessed with another happy, healthy pregnancy & baby in the near future!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  13. I'm so sorry for your loss. There are no words to comfort a person in a situation like this. I hope sharing it helped even a small bit.

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  14. This definitely happened to me when I was trying to get pregnant and after my miscarriage, so a big hug to you from one person who gets it to another. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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  15. I am very sorry for your loss. Kimberly said it so perfectly... Thank you for sharing and letting us in on your experience.

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  16. Beautifully written story, but sorrowful loss. I'm so sorry.

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  17. What a poignantly written story. Having suffered three consecutive miscarriage, I can totally relate. Thank you for sharing.

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  18. My heart breaks for you. I hope that you continue on the path to healing, and that your family is blessed with another child soon. XXOO

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  19. I can so relate this post. I'm sorry for your loss.

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  20. oh honey, i've so been there and can SO relate. i'm sorry.

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  21. I'm so sorry for your loss. It does seem we notice things more when they are on our minds. Hoping that that baby bump can be yours soon. xo

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  22. Wonderful post! I also have two healthy, darling children and wish I could have had more; should have started sooner! I hope you get your third.

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  23. I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is so incredibly hard. Even now, more than 5 years after my miscarriage, I still get sad sometimes. When I was struggling with infertility, there were pregnant people everywhere. Everywhere! It was such a painful reminder of what I was afraid I'd never have. I get it. I really do. Hugs.

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  24. Aw, Jackie...I know.
    HUGS
    xo

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  25. I'm sorry for your loss and hope that your dream of a third child is soon realized.

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  26. I am nodding at these comments and especially agreeing with Kimberly (Sperk) up there. My heart goes out to you, Jackie. It isn't fair (which is a giant understatement, I know) and I'm so, so sorry.

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  27. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this loss. Thank you so much for sharing and putting your world into such a clear and transparent perspective.

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  28. I'm so sorry this happened - and I can relate. Two years ago, my ex miscarried. My sister was pregnant very shortly after. Every event, every moment, broke my heart, and made me hate myself for having my heart broken. It does get better. It never gets perfect. I hope it does for you!

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  29. Ugh the messiness of miscarriage. Been there. I was just as surprised at how MANY people I knew had had one and I didn't know! So I talk about mine, I've had two, to anyone that will listen. It's helped me get beyond it. Never over it but past it.

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  30. Omg, I remember thinking the whole world was pregnant with me!!!

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  31. I know what you mean. I've had 5 miscarriages and I still grieve those losses. I think I always will even though I know my family is complete and I'm content. I"m sorry for your loss.

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  32. ((hugs)) Thanks for your honesty here...and I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  33. Oh. Sweetie. I don't even know what to say. A million thoughts.. but they aren't good enough. I would hug you if I could. But, you are right - when you are thinking about them... they are everywhere. I'll be praying for you - and a possible 3rd.

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  34. my heart hurts for you. i want another baby so badly that all i can see are the myriad pregnancies around me. wishing you peace when those moments come around -s

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  35. Thank you truly for pouring your heart into this post. I love coming by here and reading the honesty. Like a lot of the comments already above mine, I'm not going to pretend to have the right words to say. Because I don't. But know that if I were in your shoes, that little baby would have been very real to me too. I'm so sorry that it happened.

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  36. Oh, my heart hurts for you. It doesn't help when people say things like "you already have two kids" or "you can still try". You wanted THAT baby---the one you already loved and wished for. Take care of yourself. So sorry, Erin

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  37. It really does hurt, that loss, doesn't it? And one of the (only) consolations I found after my miscarriage is that - everyone seems to have had at least one. And it's not that it made me feel *better,* exactly, it's more that there were women around, even women I didn't know well, who knew exactly what the loss felt like - because it's weird: mine was an early miscarriage and so I hadn't really "had" the baby, but then again, I was definitely pregnant, so there it was...and then it was gone. A strange and pervasive emptiness, which I filled with a lot of tears. And then, yes, all those damn pregnant women. Frankly, Tori Spelling should just stop. The world doesn't need more mini-Tories running around. IMHO.
    So sorry ...

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  38. This is SO true. We miscarried our first and only pregnancy a year ago, and I still see babies everywhere (to the point where I quit! facebook!) Ugh. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

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  39. Miscarriage is so hard. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

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  40. Having struggled with infertility for many years -- I know that ache. Seeing those bellies. Having another friend announce they were pregnant. I'm so very sorry.

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  41. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. Sending you many hugs and wishes for peace and strength.

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  42. I'm very sorry for your loss.

    And yea, it sometimes really sucks when our brains make connections that are soured. Like a song that reminds us of someone who broke our hearts or a smell reminds us of someone we loved who passed away.

    A really great post, though.

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  43. I am so sorry, Jackie. Sorrier still that I've been so caught up in life that I haven't been spending enough time checking up on my favorite blogs.

    My heart hurts for you; beyond that, there isn't much I can offer that others haven't already shared.

    Prayers, positive thoughts and many hugs will have to do!

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  44. Oh, I want to give you a big hug! I had two miscarriages, and they were devastating. The first made me sad. Achingly, devastatingly sad. The second one just pissed me off. Big time. I was so hurt I was angry. But, there was no one to be mad at, so I was stuck.

    I've been there, and I know it sucks. A song on the radio would make me cry. A pregnant belly would make me tear up.

    This is a great post, so many women can identify!!

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  45. I'm so sorry, Jackie. Thank you for sharing this. More women need to know they're not alone. I'm sorry this is so painful for you, but appreciate how much you are helping others through this post.

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