Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Too Late

"So Aunt Lyns, when Patrick gonna get cut out of you?"

We froze mid step, processing the comment.

When my nearly four year old uttered this phrase to our expectant friend about a week ago, I guess this should have been that teachable moment.

You know, the one where I give her the truth about reproduction and childbirth.

Not.

Instead, I looked to my friend Lynsay wide eyed in a state of fear and confusion. She returned my glance with her own blank stare.

"Um, we'll see Mo" she uttered, her eyes fixed on me, looking for direction.

"Yeah Mo," I started, "It's still only March. Patrick won't be here until after your birthday. Sometime in April, he'll be born."

"So that's when they'll cut you, right?" she asked.

"Yeah" nodding along, "yeah, that's right. Um...who wants lunch?" I pleaded, changing the subject.

There was no way I was talking reproduction with my nearly four year old in the breezeway in our local downtown.

Later I rehashed the conversation with Bry. Between dramatic eye rolls and excessive head shaking, he stuttered, "Should we prepare ourselves, you know, in case she asks more?" Visibly shaken and in a state of disbelief, as he continued, "I mean, seriously? How many kids her age ask about stuff like this?"

"No way." I said. "I am NOT having the birds and the bees conversation with her. She's too young. I don't need to be THAT mom. Plus, she saw my c-section scar this morning when I was getting dressed, that might have been on her mind. That's it. She won't ask."

"You sure?" he asked, "You're the teacher". His deference apparent in his voice.

"No way would she ask" I countered."No way, I sincerely doubt she will ask anything more."

Damn you kid!

Descending the stairs Saturday night, the hurried cadence of his footsteps let me know something was wrong.

"We've got a huge problem, " Bry started, "you might want to turn off the TV for this one. It's all your fault." His brow furrowed, as he melted into the couch. "You said we'd be okay."

In those few seconds, my mind wandered frantically, fear over what it could be.

"What is it?" I asked, switching off the television. Turning towards him, I noticed the look of disgust on his face.

"You said we'd have time. Just a few days ago, you said not too worry." his voice a little louder than a whisper, as he shook his head side to side.

"Well what is it? Is it Mo? Maeve? Is everything okay?" I pleaded, attempting to suppress the panic in my voice.

"No. She asked" as he gulped air, "where babies come from?"

"Excuse me?" I said, "She asked what?"

"She wanted to know how PJ got in Aunt Lynsay's belly."

"So what did you say?" my own eyes widening in anticipate of his response. "What did you say?"

"Well, I had no clue. I mean, you told me, 'Don't worry Bry. She won't ask' " he said, using his best fake Jackie voice, " 'There's no way she'd ask'. Well, guess what Jac, She DID! And I was stuck, like a bumbling idiot, just stuck!"

"What did you say?" I asked, my stomach sinking.

"I told her mommies have eggs and daddies have seeds."

"Seeds?" I questioned, suppressing my laughter, "Seriously, you went with seeds?"

"I was not prepared for this Jac," his eyes focused and serious, "I thought it was better than SPERM!"

"True," I conceded, "so what else did you say."

"I told her daddies and mommies kiss. Then the daddies give the mommies their seed for their eggs. But then she got all confused, and I got flustered. I shouldn't have mentioned kissing. Seriously Jac, we should have talked about this. You should have been the one talking."

"Why didn't you ask her what she thinks?" I said. "Remember, we said that before, ask them what they think first! Always ask them what they think!"

"I was shocked, I mean, seriously, you told me not to worry about this" he strained, the stress of the event written across his face. "I stopped with the kissing, because she seemed confused, and then I figured, she'd be thinking a baby would end up in her belly if she kissed Maeve or me. God knows we don't need to stress her out anymore."

"True, so go on."

"So I went back and explained that kissing does not bring a baby. I told her the daddy gives the mommy his seed and then baby grows. Then she said something ridiculous."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"She asked where mommies and daddies do this. I was honest and told her in the house. She then asked if she could watch."

I couldn't hold it in anymore, as the laughter filled the living room.

"Laugh" he smirked, "you weren't the one dealing with this."

"So what did you say? I mean she asked to watch her parents have sex!" I laughed.

"I told her it was private, and then she asked where she would be when it happens. I told her in her room. She then asked if it could happen when she had a sleepover with Grammie and Popsie, and I said sure, it could. She then asked if it could happen when she's with Grammie with the Bracelets. Again, I said sure. Then she asked where she could sleep at my mom's and I realized the conversation had shifted. I told her we'd let her sleep in Casey's room, with Maeve in the pack and play. She then said that was a good idea. I asked if she had any other questions, praying she was done, when she said no, kissed me on the cheek and told me she was ready to go to sleep. I don't believe it Jac. I can't believe this." he finished.

"So, in a nutshell our kid now thinks Dads have seeds, Mommies have eggs, and she can't watch daddy put the seed in mommy, but she'll be most likely in the house when it happens, right?" I asked. "Did I miss anything?"

"No, Jac. That's about it." he said, shaking his head in disbelief. "I do have one thing to add here. I will not be putting the girls to bed the next few nights. I can't handle anything more."

"What more could she ask, babe?" I asked. "I think you covered it all".

"Just in case," he said, "you've got bedtime the next three nights. I need a beer."

And that my friends, is how Mo learned about reproduction a week before her fourth birthday.

Linking up with the wonderful, the phenomenal, the fantastic Yeah Write community. These bloggers seriously write some of the best stuff on the blogosphere, leaving me in their dust. Show them some love, leave some comments, and on Thursday vote for the best. Feel free to take pity on me, and throw me some love too.




31 comments:

  1. I am going to be laughing for the rest of the day after reading this one! Really cute Jackie, she's just something for four, really smart isn't she?

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  2. I've been lucky so far... I'm more of an avoidance kind of gal. My daughter once said she isn't having any kids because "it seems like it would hurt when the baby crawls out of your butt." To which I believe I maturely responded, "Who wants ice cream?"

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  3. I'll have you know that the 'seed' story is similar to what I was told as a young girl. That Daddy plants a seed in Mommy's belly and the baby grows from there. Worked for me! (I was about Mo's age too and I STILL remember that conversation). Good luck with the next 3 nights! ;)

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  4. Haha...I love this! I hate dealing with these sorts of questions from the kids, and my husband believes in telling the whole truth about what happens.

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  5. As a dude who just had a similar - but more involved - conversation with his 10-year-old, I need a beer, too. High fives all around!

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  6. Wow - what a topsy turvy discussion about life! (-:
    I have heard that the earlier you tell them the better because it's more matter of fact that way. I didn't find out til I was 8 or 9 and I was revolted. Kids who know earlier - it's just matter of fact. Both my kids asked where babies come from starting at around 3 and a half - this seems to be the age a lot of kids start asking even though it seems young!
    It's all so tricky isn't it?

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  7. LOL - too funny your husband was stuck handling it.
    I had the talk with both kids and with my daughter about having her period and growing up and my husband explained everything to our son.
    My pediatrician once told me to just say it like it is and children will adjust the reality in their mind how it best fits their stage of development - that's what I did and it worked ;)

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  8. Hahahahhaha wow. That kid through some tough questions out.

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  9. Great play-by-play of the discussion. Too funny!

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  10. LOL-what I would do to have been the fly on the wall when she asked the questions.
    Kids eh?

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  11. Haha! This one made me smile. I've got a 5, almost 4, 2.5 yo, and almost 5 month old. The question of where babies come from has come up several times amoungst the older three. We say babies come from love--we've done a bit of explaining beyond that, but they're on a needs to know basis. Oscar, our last baby was born at home and all of the other kids were present. It was so fantastic and wonderful. (I teach a natural childbirth course, so my kids are VERY FAMILIAR with bodies, and babies, and birth.) I, too, enjoyed the play-by-play of this post. Kids are so inquisitive and they pick up on EVERYTHING, don't they?

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  12. Laughing so hard right now! I have had similar conversations with my boys and I always choke. I always say I'll be an honest parent and won't try to hide anything but then I just... choke!

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  13. hahah oh man your poor husband!!! :)))

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  14. LOL 'Can I watch?' That was the best part!

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  15. SEEDS. i really, really want to make a march madness joke here. that is stinking hilarious!!

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  16. Amazing story. Definitely one to laugh about when they're older. I think your husband handled it pretty well considering the shock that was clouding his mind at the time!

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  17. Ha! That's awesome. When I explained that her father and I had sex to get prego, she asked "where was I?"

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  18. Lol! Can she watch? Bwahaha! And she might have a wee bit more learning to do. If you really want to see your husband squirm, ask her in front of your husband to summarize it for you. This should be GREAT after she has had a few days to let seeds, eggs, and voyeurism swim around in her sweet little brain. And look at that. You have your next post. :)Ellen

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  19. Oh man, did he ever take one for the team!

    "Can I watch?" Awwwkwaaaaard.

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  20. I totally crapped my pants when I read the part about her asking whether she could watch!!!!!!

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  21. Oh my. The can I watch part and the will I be in the house part. Priceless!!

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  22. The sweet innocence of a child. I really enjoyed reading her interrogation of your husband and his answers. I probably would have run from the room at first mention. At least he stuck around to answer!

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  23. HYSTERICAL! it reminds me of my 6 year old bonus daughter who immediately after learning portions of the story above, stood up and started pounding herself in the abdomen. WHAT are you doing I asked. "Trying to crack my eggs" she replied.

    The innocence of childhood!

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  24. So funny. I had a picture of a couple kissing inside of a glass pod-like greenhouse thing that is only brought out of the bedroom closet for baby-making-time...and only when the kids are at their grandparents and the dogs are in bed. Well-written - captures the joys and conundrums of parenting brilliantly.

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  25. So, so funny!!! I almost passed out when she asked if she could watch! My four year old (boy) has asked similar questions, but definitely not about where and when it all happens. Love this post!

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  26. Holy crap, I almost choked on my Pepsi! Oh, I am laughing so very hard at this. Daddies and their daughters, I tell ya. He did do ok though for it being unexpected. My oldest asked my MIL first. She told her the seed thing too. But then the child thought ALL seeds. Eat a watermelon seed by accident: baby. Great. The mortification that my husband feels when one of them mentions a vagina is priceless.

    That part about watching...I'm laughing all over again now.

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  27. That is awesome. Great re-telling too. LOL

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  28. I remember Noah asking to see the picture his bio drew from when he 'made' Noah inside me. Seriously, it's no big deal. You tell them the truth and they don't compute. Noah's 12. When explaining condoms (his question) I said it keeps everything inside the condom so it doesn't go inside the girl. "YOU MEAN THE PENIS GOES INSIDE? I THOUGHT IT JUST SQUIRTED AT THE VAGINA!!!" See? They don't get it. I just told this story I swear last week.

    ~The G is Silent

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  29. oh my goodness. too funny!!

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  30. My kids have known about all that thanks to the Human Body book, but they've never asked to watch! Too funny! I hear Paris and Kim have a tape that might help...

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