Not the Way I Planned

On Friday morning, the mall opens at ten.
A green shirt with Christmas trees in a variety of colors paired with her jeans, was the intended outfit for Mo. The intention was for Maeve to wear something similar, as recently she has been more decisive with her wardrobe.
We were to see Santa.
Beat the lines that form later in the day, and have some quiet time with the big man. Share our list of three things, with the hope that he would bring one. Capture the moment forever, paying for the overpriced package and place that picture, most likely with Maeve screaming, in the frame to add to the yearly collection.
That frame remains empty.
The visit postponed.

Instead of a visit to Santa on Friday with the girls, I spent the day in the Emergency Room holding my husband's hand as we learned that I was miscarrying.

The day before Halloween, with my period a day late, we discovered I was pregnant.
Ecstatic and excited, we decided to keep it a secret a little while. My only sister had just the week before returned from a vacation to Jamaica with an engagement ring. With my previous pregnancies, she was the first call I made. This time, I didn't want to steal her thunder, so I kept it a secret.
For two days, it was just between Bry and I. Then on the first of November, my brother's birthday, I shared the news with he and his wife. They vowed to keep the secret.
Over the next few weeks we shared with our parents, and waited eagerly for that first ultrasound. Because of a prior health issue, I am considered a high risk patient. I need to be on blood thinners throughout, so a visit to the high risk doctor early on to confirm a heartbeat is a necessity.
The Monday after Thanksgiving, with my parents watching the girls, Bryan and I headed to the doctor. Entering the office, the familiar faces greeted me, making me feel welcome. The appointment started normally, with the typical blood pressure, weigh in, and like.
As I laid on the ultrasound table, I had no idea how different this appointment would go. At this stage, the heartbeat should be quite visible in the ultrasound.
But it was not.
Things were not what they should have been.
Instead of measuring 8 weeks 2 days, it was 6 weeks 2 days.
The ultrasound tech asked for assistance, and then asked for the doctor.
He struggled to find a heartbeat, and his calculations again had the pregnancy two weeks behind.
My heart dropped, and looking at Bry's face, I knew he felt the same way.
Two weeks behind.
Could our dates be off?
No.
Could the ultrasound be off?
No.
Is there something wrong?
Yes.
He instructed us to come back in two weeks. Another ultrasound would hopefully determine more.
For ten days, the possibilities of what could happen danced through our heads, our hearts, and conversation.

Miscarriage.
Chromosomal Abnormalities.
Having a child with severe disabilities.

Then it was out of our hands.

I was in the emergency room hearing the confirmation that my body had miscarried.
The past few days have been physically draining, but emotionally I am okay.
Really, I am.
Having had the gift of that ultrasound two weeks ago gave us the time to process that a miscarriage could be a reality. We had time to consider our options, to consider what the possibilities could have been and what that would have meant to our family.
We had time to grieve this loss before it was definite, and for that I'm grateful.

The frame remains empty for now, however on Friday, I have a date with Santa and two little girls.