Monday, October 24, 2011

Pregnant Pause

Cookies Mom chose a wonderful topic this week for our Listicles. Her suggestion: 10 tips for new moms.  
While this is a great topic, I decided to spin it a bit, and in turn, came up with

 10 Tips to Survive Pregnancy
without causing physical harm to anyone

1. Practice the art of selective listening
Family and friends may suprise you with their comments. Lines such as "Wow, you're SO big!" and "Are you sure you're not having twins" when only 6 months pregnant will cause your blood to boil, or perhaps, throw you into an emotional tailspin.
This can be prevented, however, by learning the art of selective listening. When their mouth starts moving, tune out, think about your To-Do list or the chips (ice cream, pickles, or cream cheese bagel) you'll eat.
Nod, smile, then excuse yourself. Perhaps, throw in a belly rub or better yet, a small massage of your back and wail away.

2. Remember: People are morons.
For some reason, one's bump appears to be a  magnet for crazy people. Strangers will come up asking to touch or perhaps, they will miss the ask part and touch without asking.
 Not okay.
The acceptable response in those situations, is to ask to touch their belly or better yet, touch it too!
Want to really make it uncomfortable, start rubbing their belly.
The look of horror will stop them dead in their tracks.
Lesson Learned!

3. Give up the Guilt
You're pregnant, not sick or lazy.
There's something growing inside you twenty-four seven for forty weeks. That alone affords you the right to pass off responsibilty without feeling guilt.
Laundry, cleaning, cooking,
That's why there's the cleaners, housekeeping services and delivery.
 (Or in some cases Mom.)
Delegate and take it easy.

4. Buy these Books

This will help you figure out what the hell is happening inside your body.

This will help you decide which brands to purchase for all those items your little lovie will need.
There's way too much and getting lost in Babies R Us is not fun, trust me.

Borrow this from the library
I really do not like Jenny McCarthy due to her autism perspective (not going to go there now) however this book is a light and funny read.

5. Embrace the Bump
Most people are self-conscious about dress. Camouflaging flaws with layers hide those "problem areas" and getting dressed daily can be a real pain. However, around 18 weeks when the bump appears almost overnight, dress to showcase it. I'm not saying go Britney on me. Keep the Daisy Dukes and midriff shirts in the drawer (or trash) instead wear some form fitting shirts to show off the bump. For most of us, it's one of the few times our belly is showcased.

6. Talk it Out
There most likely will be moments where you'll feel overwhelmed and emotional. The hormones racing through your body will only add to crazytown.
Find someone to talk it out with. Preferably, someone who's been pregnant.
Not that a never been pregnant person can't understand, but it's having someone who has done it, being able to sympathize without hesitation and often explanation there is a relief.

7. F--k with People a Bit
Maybe it's just my nature, but I like to play around with people and being pregnant gave me the best excuse. My personal favorite was the name game.
We chose on both occasions to refrain from sharing our name choices and we didn't find out gender.
Of course, that opened the gates to everyone and anyone offering their suggestions. So, I started giving out misinformation just ot mess with them.
"We're thinking Cordelia Francesca and Sven Oskar Oliver."
Some would try to hold in their opinions while others could not.
Faking labor pains also works well here, but please take into account your audience.
I would not do that with my sister, as I believe she would have called 911.

8. Keep a Food Stash
What's the only thing worse then a hungry baby?
The hungry mama to be!
Keep little snacks in the car, your work desk, and the kitchen. Or at the very least, have some change or dollar bills for emergency runs to Wawa (of course I'd mention that) or the vending machine.

9. Allow Yourself to Enjoy the Moments
Easier said then done when your ankles are swollen and the indigestion keeps you up all night! However, remember the kid will be out soon enough, 40 weeks isn't really that long in the scope of life.
For some, it's the chance to have boobs for the first time.
For others, it's the thrill of watching the baby under the belly.
While others, it's simply pregnancy itself.
It's frightening, amazing, thrilling, and exciting all at once.

10. Screw Everyone Else, and Do What's Best For You

Want a water birth and done the research, but your parents are upset?
Go for it. It's your body, birth, and baby.

Want to eat pizza on Thanksgiving because turkey gives you indigestion?
Do it.
Pizza is awesome any day of the week
Want to skip out on your brother's girlfriend's 30th birthday party?
Ultimate excuse, next to the actual baby, pregnancy gets you out of those events without much reaction!
Stay home, dress comfy, and watch tv or better yet, curl up and sleep.

Want to buy the $700 stroller because it's pretty?
Now, don't be a jackass.
Put it on your registry and let the other jackasses buy it for you!

If you're reading this and knocked up for the first time, congratulations and enjoy the ride!
If you're a seasoned mama, feel free to add your own advice in the comments.

If you fall into the other category, I guess you just wasted five minutes of your life that you'll never get back.

In honor of my favorite Preggos right now! You know who you are!


  1. Holy cow, this is the most awesome list ever! Between your pregnancy advice and my newborn advice, we are going to have the happiest new moms on the planet starting this afternoon. High-five, girl. So good :)

  2. I love the last one! You're right, it's one of the two ultimate excuses for EVERYTHING.

  3. Excellent pregnancy advice for any expectant mom!

  4. You funny you! Love this. Best shopping advice ever! I loved coming up with sarcastic comebacks...

  5. This prompt turned out to be way more fun than I thought it would be. I'm not a mommyblogger, but I figured I'd follow directions. Your post had me nodding in agreement the whole time.

  6. My personal favorites are selective listening (still in use at our house) and people are morons (say that at least once a day) lol loved the list, still laughing!

  7. Haha! Awesome advice, Jackie!! People really ARE morons, aren't they?

  8. HA! Hilarious. Selective hearing. Nod and smile. Repeat!

  9. Follow your gut, that's what it's there for! People are complete morons!

  10. I love this list. As someone who WAS pregnant with twins - you hit all of them on the head. I learned about pooping on the table from Jenny M. (and I agree with your other assessment - for some other discussion.) I would also add the phrase, "I'm creating LIFE over here... what are you doing?" when asked why I was resting.
    Once, Ray tried to tell me I was eating too many sweets... so I grabbed a frozen snickers bar and ate it curled up in the closet in our bedroom. Then I buried the wrapper under the bathroom trash... like someone with a serious problem. :) Love the list. Kristen

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  12. LOL! You. Are. Awesome!! I love honest humor! Thanks to my husband I was ahead of the game on developing selective hearing. I've been doing that shiz for years!!

    Sorry for the delete -- I made a minor (stupid) spelling error. :)

  13. This is the best list ever. Fucking with people is one of my ultimate joys-I wish I'd thought of these when I was pregnant!

  14. You made me miss being pregnant, and that is no small task. Love your twist on this listicle - your 'twisticle' if you will.

  15. cheers to Giving up the Guilt!! I loves Belly Laughs when I was preggers * *

  16. I agree whole-heartedly with each and every one of these! And I might actually follow them if there's a next time. ;)

  17. Great list! I love number one so much. I wish I were better at selective listening. So many people commented on ow large I're about to pop, you must be due any day now (at about 5 months), are you sure there's not more than one in there?

  18. I loved my bump and I totally embraced it! Also, while we knew the gender, we didn't reveal our name either--I didn't want to hear any "Oh, I knew someone with that name and blah, blah, blah."


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