Guilty

When I was pregnant with Moira, I think one could have described me as obsessed. Between the message boards, the baby books, and weekly email reminders, I was absorbed in every little happening, and relaying the information to anyone who would listen.

I was wrapped up in the joy of pregnancy. From the stretch marks to kick counts, and everything in between, that first pregnancy was a most memorable experience.

After discovering I was pregnant, my good friend Sami had a small gift for me. She introduced me to the wonderful world known as the Baby Bargains Book.

Unfamiliar with this book and respective website?
Basically, every item, brand, and style on the market for any or all product related to baby is reviewed both with letter grade and synopsis, and then compiled into book form. Unlike Consumer Reports which offers it's assessments on it's own testing, Baby Bargains relies on input from real people, in addition to outside sources.

Bry became a man neurotic about the registry, scouring the book, updating and changing our online registry for Babies R Us, based on new information he discovered at all hours of the day and night.  I would sneak a peak, wanting to see if things were being purchased and I'd discover items added or missing or changed.

During my pregnancy with Maeve, I felt like I had a nice balance between expectant mama and little more experienced mom. Moira was just under two when I had Maeve, so the entire baby process was still fresh in my mind. She still regularly napped leaving me time to relish being pregnant. I posted on two under two message boards. I worried about the balance of having two so close in age, and obsessed from the buying standpoint over finding the perfect double stroller*.
*I did. The Bumbleride Indie Twin in seagrass green and aqua. 

While I was consumed most of the time with Moira, I still found time to enjoy that pregnancy.

And now here I am, thirty three weeks pregnant with kid #3, and I'm guilty.

Between school, play dates, potty training, holidays, and the like, I have no time.

Already this kid is ignored.

I made a weak attempt at a registry, in between making dinner and officiating a living room brawl over a ukulele. I go to my OB appointments, eagerly waiting to hear the cadence of his or her heartbeat, while dishing out goldfish crackers, fruit bars, and insisting the stirrups and flexible light are not drums and a microphone. I sit hoping to savor the moment he or she moves around my belly, and then must readjust as the two and half year old asks, "Hold me Mama" and takes up the little room I have left in my lap.

I feel guilty because I haven't been consumed with pregnancy.

Apparently this week the kid is the size of a durian.

Courtesy of the Bump

A durian? 

Had to read up on that one, and my brother in law in Taiwan explained, via Facebook, that this funky fruit is popular in Asia and can be compared to creamy smelly cheese in flavor and consistency. 

So kid #3 is about the size of this smelly ass fruit, and I had no idea.

He or she is also doing the following in utero, or at least, this is what the professionals are saying:

your baby at 33 weeks

• He's keeping his eyes open while awake.
• He's also starting to coordinate breathing with sucking and swallowing.
• His bones are hardening.
• And he going through (more) major brain development -- that's one smart baby

Facts courtesy of the Bump. 

Good to know that he or she is almost ready to join us. Maybe I should get a little more prepared? 

Perhaps buy some diapers, pull out the infant car seat, and do some loads of laundry? Maybe I should pack the bag for the hospital? Get a going home outfit. Figure out how to get to the maternity section of the hospital. Things that are kind of important in the scope of birthing a baby. 

Does this make me a bad mom? 

Well, I believe the answer is no, and yes. 

I'm a good mom. 

I honestly believe that. I am a good mom to the two children residing outside of my body. This pregnancy has not kept us from having a life outside our home. We still head out almost daily to places like the zoo, Sesame Place, and trips to the park. My girls lives have not stopped because mommy's put on a few pounds. I move a bit slower, and can't hold them as much, but we're still out and about.  

I will confess, however, that I'm not too sure how I'm measuring up as a mama to be for this new kid? 

Once he or she is here, I know that things will be different. Our lives as we know them will change, and hopefully for the better as this new little one comes. 

However, for now, I'm going to try and find a bit of a balance. This will be our last baby, and so this is my last time being pregnant. Even with the indigestion, frequent trips to the bathroom, and stretchmarks, I will be doing my best to savor it, whenever I have time to that is. 

Family photo from Boo at the Zoo