All Grown Up

On September 10, my baby brother got married. In a beautiful ceremony Joey (he'll always be Joey to me) married the love of his life, Colleen.
Don't they look like they should be in a magazine?

Trying to navigate the logistics of a wedding with a two and half year old and seven and half month old is nearly impossible. I would have loved to have just kept the baby home, but she still refuses anything but the boob which means by default she has to be close by. With the older one, she was the flower girl so her presence was a necessity. The people who usually babysit- my mom, my dad, and my sister all had roles in the wedding, and I was a reader.
What to do? What to do? What to do?
The few weeks leading up to the wedding, I would wake up in the middle of the night and try to figure out the logistics. Do we rent a hotel room and hire my best friend's cousins to babysit the girls during the reception? Do we drive back and forth in the two hours between the ceremony and the reception to drop off the girls with my mother in law at our house? Do we have Bry drive home at bedtime- 9pm, with both girls and then I stay at the reception by myself?
We chose option one.
Was it the ideal choice?
I'm still not sure.
Maeve decided around 10 pm that she was not going to sleep in the hotel. She cried and screamed from 10ish on and off all night. The poor girls who were watching her called us at 10:25 asking us to come up. Thirty minutes later, she was asleep in my arms and our time at the reception was over. Mo, meanwhile, had crashed in the double bed from the sugar high of lollipops, gummy worms, and jellybeans which effectively worked to bribe her to behave in the church. Even with Maeve screaming a few feet away, Mo slept.


In the end, we saw the wedding ceremony, got a few pictures of the extended family together- my parents, my sister, the bride & groom, and my family, I enjoyed most of cocktail hour with a bay breeze (or two or three) in hand, watched the first dances, heard the speeches including the phone call from my brother's best man from Afghanistan where he is in the navy, and ate my dinner and cake. I think I may have even had a few dances on the dance floor.
When one sees it on paper, it can be assumed I hit all the important parts of the wedding.
I have a confession though, I am sad.
I feel like I missed out on the celebration.
When I got married, we had lots of candid pictures throughout the night. I remember looking back at them seeing my friends and family. I remember looking for certain people. Now, as I look at Joey's pictures, I see his friends, I see my dad dancing with my grandmom and great aunt, I see my sister and my cousins and a few family friends.
What's missing?
Me.
Everyone looks like they had a fabulous time, and the portions of the evening where I was there, it was great. I missed, however all those non-scripted parts of the party that people talk about when they reminisce about weddings. When I looked at the pictures from the end of the night, when the main lights were back on, and most of the guests had left, I feel sad because I'm not there. As my dad took a picture of my brother and my sister, I'm missing.
I feel like I should be there.
Growing up, it had always been the three of us: Jackie, Jeanna, and Joey. My mom has frame after frame, photo after photo, of the three of us. Pictures from swim meets, holidays, picnics, trips, graduations, and my wedding where it's Jackie, Jeanna, and Joey. I realize, we never got that shot that day.
Maybe I'm a little nostalgic now that I'm a mom myself, but when I saw the pictures and realized that was missing, I cried. I rationally know that taking care of my crying baby was and is more important then the dancing at a reception and getting in pictures, but I can't help how I feel.
I am happy for Joey and Colleen.
I am happy that my family has been blessed with another sister, my girls another aunt, my parents another daughter.
I'm happy the weather held up and they had a beautiful day.
I'm still joyous that Mo made it down the aisle without running or tearing off her dress or shoes.
I'm so thankful my dear husband agreed to push Maeve in the stroller around the perimeter of the church during the ceremony.
I'm also thankful Bry agreed to stay in the hotel room with our two crazy girls overnight knowing full well what a clusterf--k it could and ended up being.
I'm grateful the hair salon was effective in putting my sister's curly hair into the best up do I've seen on her.
Overall, the wedding was a huge success and one of the best looking affairs I've ever seen.
As I type this, I can't help but still be a bit sad, however, that I didn't get to celebrate the way I had wished and got that one picture to add to the Jackie, Jeanna, and Joey collection.

This Post was initally written in September of 2010.  With this week's topic "I Wanna Marry You" as the flicker of inspiration prompt, my mind immediately thought back to this night, to these feelings.

 I'd like you to write about a wedding. The wedding can be fictional or real; the only requirement? That a wedding appears at some point during your piece. Write about your own wedding. Write about a disaster wedding gone horribly wrong. Write about a bridezilla. There are many different directions you can take this prompt in, and I can't wait to read them all! Don't forget to come back here next Sunday to link up your wedding stories

Dear Jackie, circa 2021

A few weeks ago I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self and now, I'm at it again. This time, I'm writing to myself ten years into the future.



Dearest Jackie,
  As I write this, it is a month and day from your thirty-third birthday, and life is good. I can only assume that Moira and Maeve have continued to keep you on your toes, I figure you spend a lot of your time chauffeuring them around. When you think back longingly to their time as at three and eighteen months, remember the temper tantrums, teething hell, and the time-outs, the multiple time-outs. That should help to balance the probable talking back and slamming doors that the thirteenth year often brings. Knowing that half of her DNA is Bryan's, Mo is probably quite the DIVA! I only pray that Maeve has remained the happy go lucky spirit she was as a toddler.

 Since I know we like lists, I'll continue on that path as I assess our future.

1. Make time for Bryan
While he is quick to put the needs of the girls ahead of him, he deserves to know how much he is appreciated. Don't feel guilty hiring a babysitter or dropping the girls off with the grandparents or aunts/uncles so that you two can spend some much needed time together alone. You have a history, a story worth telling and retelling, share it with the girls. (Most of it anyway!)

2. Don't stop writing!
You are much too hard on yourself, and I know there have been moments where you have contemplated retiring the blog, but please don't do it. Having this record of who you were at this time in your life can only be something to relish in the future. More so, I hope as you read this you are appalled at your writing style and have since adopted a better form.

3. Take care of yourself
Eat better, learn to cook healthier, and actually get your butt back into the pool. Perhaps, even overcome that fear of open water swimming? Remember it's not only for you, but also it serves as a good model for the girls.

4. Family Time
At the end of the day, it's all about family. Make time not only for our little family but for all the extended members and those friends that are virtually family. Think back to being a kid and those picnics with all the cousins, aunts, uncles, our family deserves those memories too! Plus, you know how much you love to throw parties!

5. Travel
It's a big world, and I hope you see more of it. Regardless of how insane it sounds, get out to Taiwan and see Casey and his family and then make a little trip to Tahiti. Win, win, right?

6. Self-Confidence
While I mentioned this to my 16 year old self, I pray that self-confidence has flourished over the past ten years. It would be worthwhile to be comfortable in your skin, and not waste time worrying. With this, I can assume your wardrobe has evolved appropriately and stylishly? 



My wish a month and a day away from your forty-third birthday is that you enjoy the ride!
You deserve any and all happiness as you have put time and energy into your little old family. You love hard and true, and dedicate a tremendous amount of time into making those you love happy. In turn, you deserve happiness in whatever form it may come.

Jackie

Remember when we linked up a few weeks ago with A Letter to You? Well, this week we'd like to you to revisit writing a letter to yourself, but this time you'll be writing a letter to the future you, the you of ten years down the road. Where do you see yourself in the future? What accomplishments do you hope to make? What would you tell the present you? Write it all down and then join us next Sunday to link up and see what the future holds.

Happily Ever After...finally.

The Honeymoon- the usual culminating activity of the bridal process. In many great movies where weddings are a central theme, the guests and family wave and shout frantically as they send off the happy couple. Many times the bride changes from her wedding dress into a suit, obviously the most appropriate attire for travel, and off to start the rest of their lives they go. Annie and Brian from Father of the Bride, Shelby and Jackson from Steel Magnolias, Samantha's older sister and husband in Sixteen Candles, the list goes on... Happily ever after, as they drive into the sunset.
However reality isn't always so sequential, so scripted.

The wedding was stunning, everything I had always hoped and more.
A warm October evening,
Fantastic food, family and friends,
Dancing and drinking the night away.
Our subtle beach themed, fairly classic wedding.

Purse strings stretched tightly, we decided to postpone a honeymoon.
Responsibilities to maintain. 
Debts to pay.

In a few months, maybe over the holiday.
Responsibilities to maintain
Debts to pay.

No in the summer,
Definitely in the summer.
August would be perfect.

I'm sorry, it appears you have a blood clot in your lung.
What?
Health to maintain.
Debts to pay.

Maybe for the new year?
Responsibilities to maintain
Debts to Pay

"I'll take care of it," he said. "We deserve something big."
Responsibilities maintained
Debts Paid

Two weeks before, a positive pregnancy test.
Between tears, I managed to offer my apologies for ruining our much delayed and anticipated honeymoon.
Kisses and hugs and reassurance in only the most fitting of ways.
"It's okay, at least I can still drink!"

When we returned,
Major responsibilities to maintain
Debts to pay
'
But for seven days,
alternate reality.
Honeymoon turned baby moon,
our own little slice of heaven.

Breakfast set up daily

One of the semi-secluded beaches

Toes in the sand

Blissfully unaware of the perils of pending parenthood

Flicker of Inspiration Prompt #8: I Need a Vacation

Write about a trip either you or a character has taken. It doesn't need to be a literal trip but can be more of figurative journey. If you're writing memoir, what do you remember most about this trip? Do you remember what it's like to go somewhere you've never been? If you're writing fiction, describe your character's trip vividly. Make us feel what your character felt, see what they saw, experience what they experienced. Come back and take us on your journey by linking up next Sunday.

After attempting to write a new piece to address the prompt for the Red Dress Club,  I realized this piece was it. This week's prompt asked us to write about a time that rhythm, or a lack thereof, played a role in your life. And don’t use the word “rhythm.”

Something Blue

"Is this your dress?" she asked.
Into the mirror I peered. It was lovely. "Diamond white silk shantung" I had been informed. The color somewhere between white and off-white. The pin tuck pleats in the bodice gave way to an a-line skirt with a small train. Little buttons started at the top of the back and followed down the train, while tiny swarvoski crystals were sewn in no particular pattern. As the light hit the crystals, they shined.
But did I? Was it enough?
I never cried in that dress, or any of the others I tried on in anticipation of my upcoming wedding. I deduced that the dress was it, as it fit the budget, my body, and the overall feeling of the day.
A small wedding, at a small seasonal chapel the first week of October in Cape May.
A simple, classic wedding with a small inspiration from the beach, that is what we planned.
I continued on the simple path with the majority of our planning, as our own purse strings were tight as we balanced the estimates from florist, reception site, and d.j.
There was not much room for extravagance and really it wasn't our style.
Traditional.
Simple.
Classic.
Except for my shoes.
Somewhere in my wedding planning madness, I had contrived the idea to wear blue shoes. The shoes offered a bit of levity in the seriousness of table numbers, response cards, and shades of white napkins. Their discovery was an accident. After scouring department stores and online stores, I happened upon a sale on the J.Crew website.
There they were, blue and off-white patterned heels.
In anticipation of potential sizing problems, I ordered two pairs.
For the next few days, I waited patiently for the brown package.
Onto my feet they went, and they fit.
While tears did not fill my eyes, these shoes were not a compromise. They were exactly what I had envisioned.
On the day of my wedding ceremony, my blue shoes remained hidden for the most part under the fabric of my gown. However, as I walked down the aisle, they peeked out for a moment with each step. They offered a little bit of whimsy in comparison to the remaining tradition.
After the ceremony, my new husband and I stood at the doorway, receiving accolades for our recent accomplishment, and in that time I shared my secret with a few guests.  As I modeled my blue shoes, I couldn't help but smile.
Something old, Something new, Something borrowed, and Shoes of blue!

The only picture of shoes from the day, our dancing shoes

My something blue shoes "after"

This post was inspired by the following prompt. We all have a pair of shoes that tell a story. It may be a story remembered or a story that never happened, but shoes can speak volumes, after all they've walked many miles. This week we want you to take a picture of your favorite pair of shoes (or a pair of shoes with a story) and tell the story of those shoes. Where have they been? Where will they take you? Let the shoes do the talking!


I wrote about what happened once the blue shoes were removed for a previous prompt here.

Dear Jackie, (circa 1995)

Dearest Jackie,

  As you read this, you are probably wondering how a letter from "future you" arrived in your hands?  Please consider it divine intervention.
After that, most likely you are looking to the clock, wondering why on a Saturday evening a version of you is sitting home on the computer instead of being out with friends? I imagine that you imagined  future you would be dining out with your husband while a babysitter sat home with your blissfully sleeping children.
Sorry, that is not happening, however  while the happily ever after you imagined does occur, there are a few regrets and words of advice  future you has for current you (errr me?).
I know that you value advice that isn't wishy washy or sugar coated, so let me keep it direct and to the point and of course in list form.
I know how much you, me, we appreciate lists.

1. Don't expect too much from your group of friends, except Ashley.
    You know deep down that most of the people in your circle of friends aren't really that similar to you, or similar to each other for that matter. They are a hodge podge of people who somehow found connections for the moment.  While they serve as companions now, in the future Ashley will be the only one that is standing by you...always. Treasure her and keep that friendship a priority.

2. Relax a little...no a lot!
 There's no reason to be so uptight all the time. Chill out! The habit of always running from one thing to the other leads itself to disaster and exhaustion. You will find this out next year.  Quit always trying to do everything and give yourself a break. Enjoy some time just relaxing at home with mom and dad, maybe even Jeanna and Joey. I give you permission to skip things like work or practice every once and a while too.

3. Write more!
     Writing is one activity you do enjoy but never truly dedicate any time or effort. I know you enjoy writing center in school, so do it a little more. Get a journal and write things down, be it stories, personal reflections or things that make you laugh. (Your friends do and say some crazy things.)

4. Have confidence in yourself!
     First and foremost, you are NOT fat! Get over that. Wear a bikini at the beach, without worry and without covering yourself up. Remember you are a good two to three inches taller then most of your girlfriends and you are an athlete. Of course you're body type is different, but it's good different!
   Dress in clothes you like. Walk tall and carry yourself with confidence. You are strong, smart, and beautiful. Don't let your inner self tell you differently, or anyone else for that matter. 

5. Expand your social circle.
    Make new friends. Give people a chance. The pecking order of high school is not indicative of outside society. Social circles can be fluid, and you should circle amongst many.

6. Don't take yourself so seriously all the time!
   Don't follow all the rules all the time! (Sorry mom & dad!) You have a tendency to over think things. Live in the moment and sometimes do something you're "not suppose".  For example next year, when you go to Spain- sneak out. Honestly, what do you think Dr. U will do to you half a world away if you're caught?

7. Don't fear rejection.
   Think of it as a learning experience and I know how much you value learning. Put yourself out there, in terms of dating, social experiences, and trying new things. Speak your mind yet follow your heart.

To ease those fears:
You will get into college.
You will get a job.
You will find a guy who turns out to be "the one".
You will get your happily ever after and all that goes with that.

Enjoy the ride!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. For future reference when friends suggest driving "not too far " a week after getting your license, a trip which involves taking the expressway to Manayunk is not a good idea!

    Write a letter to yourself at age sixteen. What might you tell your sixteen year-old self? W0ould you warn yourself not to make a certain mistake? Would you ask yourself to treasure being young? Would you tell yourself how much you've changed? You can write the letter from your present self, or from someone else entirely. Feel free to take this in an unexpected direction. Good luck!