Rinse, Repeat

I have hit a wall my friends.

I thought I had this three kids thing down.

All  are fed, clothed, and kept clean to a degree.

We have managed to keep our house in one piece. No visits to the emergency room...yet. We've made it to school, library story hour, play dates, grocery shopping trips, and even a few meals out.

I assume from the outside I look like I have it together. I'm trying to be brave. I'm trying to appear normal, but I'm not yet. Every night, as bedtime looms, my anxiety increases. Sleep is nothing but a joke right now. I've tried to keep it together as much as I can, but I lost it last night. Grabbing Bry and holding him tight I started to bawl.

I am at a loss.
I don't know how to fix it.

Margo is a shitty sleeper, and by default, I have become one too.

For my friends reading who have known me for any extended period of time know that I need sleep. Like, consistent, 8 hours plus a night. We're working on five and a half months of sporadic at best stretches of sleep for me.

I'm baked. I fried. I toasted. I'm melting. I'm completely and utterly done.

I remember vividly Moira sleeping well. I thought waking up once a night at three and half months old was bad.

Boy, did I have it wrong.

I will confess here, much of Maeve's first year is a blur. I assume it was a survival mechanism as I did have two kids under two for much of each day by myself. I don't remember yearning for sleep as much as I do now.

This whole third kid is another story. Thank God she's cute and has a good disposition.

Confession here, this morning after nursing Margo and setting up Mo with her usual cereal bar and milk, I spent an hour scouring the web for sleep solutions. I seriously contemplated typing:
Tell me, oh wise and powerful Internet, how can I get my kid to sleep for longer than three hours because I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown? in the google search window, but instead settled on sleep training + 6 month old.

Alas, from this little bit of research I realized it's time for this mama to suck it up. Cry it out commences today, or for you PC peeps- I'm using the extinction model of sleep training.

It's currently 3:19 pm. I set Margo up in the crib, awake at 2:00. She screamed for 13 minutes. I prepped Mo and Maeve for the worst.
Margo's got to learn how to go to sleep in her crib. I shared. I refrained from adding so mama doesn't go cray-cray. to the end of that sentence.
She's still asleep.

I won't peek.

Tonight, I'm going to try this extinction method again. (It does sound so much nicer than crying it out, right?)

God help me that it works, and she sleeps for more than three hours.

Hopefully this little hurdle can be jumped tonight or tomorrow, and my bed can become my refuge again.

First Rule of Fight Club

First rule of sleeping through the night is the same.

You don't talk about the baby who may or may not have slept 10:30 - 4:45 last night.

I expect to be up all night tonight.

The Duel

The fan above the stove turns its familiar tune, as I slowly and methodically cut onion. The chicken is frying away. The knife easily slices, as the pieces take over the cutting board, while my sister continues to write feverishly. Her hands stops abruptly.

"Jac, I think I heard something" she says.

"Of course you did" I casually mutter continuing to chop. "It's probably Mo."

"Should you get her?" she asks, abandoning her list, showing concern. 

"Why?" I say. "She'll be down in 10 anyway". 

I dump the onions in the pan as the sound of the sizzle temporarily hushes the footsteps on the floor above. 

She is awake. 

It's 2:30 pm and she's not napping.

Hell, she never fell asleep. 

She's almost four years old, and she's done with napping. 

F--k me.

Believe me I haven't given up this easily. There's been kicking, screaming and crying.
Moira has even done the same.

I've been stern mommy.
Lecturing in my most serious tone with smug face,
"Moira Ann, (of course using her first AND middle name adds to seriousness) you need to nap. When you don't I'm  you're tired, I'm you're cranky, and I'm you're miserable! You need sleep to grow!"

Nothing.

I've been bargaining mommy.
In my most pleading and sincere voice, with a fake smile pasted across my face, "Okay Mo, if you take your nap, mommy will give you your sticker! Remember," adding some more fake enthusiasm here "only a few more stickers and you get your surprise! So take a good nap!"

She didn't buy that either.

I've tried peer pressure
"You know Mo, Alixandra still naps for Miss Danielle".
Nope.

I've tried bribery.
"Listen kid," I plead, "take a nap and you can watch whatever you want...or I'll let you help me bake cookie... or even" gulping as I mutter it, "we can play play dough! Whatever you want, just sleep!"

After responding with the same, "Okay, mommy" sometime later those footsteps are back, cringing as I hear that door open. "Mommy, I AWAAAAKKKKKEEE!"

Of course you are.

My DVR is full. I have some blogs and books I'd like to read, I'd like to pee with the door shut, and frankly, I could use a nap, but not today. Not anymore.

Nap time is over.

Nap time is over and I didn't even get any say in it.

This kid is growing up and with the abandonment of nap time I realize how much less baby and more kid she has become. This has happened way too fast for my own liking.

Kids have this way of growing up, in what seems like overnight. One moment they go from these needy, helpless little creatures to the next as fiercely independent, self assured and AWAKE people.

So as I ready myself for this hurdle of losing nap time, I beg my baby girl to slow down a bit. I continue to encourage her return to her room for daily rest time. Because on occasion, the footsteps are missing as she gives in to that nap. Still not completely a big kid, I'll be holding on to that for a little bit longer. I'll savor those quiet moments cramming in some of my own shows on my DVR in between.