What's changed?

I look at pictures from when I was younger, and think, "damn, why did I waste time thinking I was fat?"

Honestly though, it's crazy looking back at old photos and generally reminiscing about life before adulthood, and by "Adulthood" I mean the time before mortgages, children, & droopy boobs. Stasha over at the Good Life's weekly meme Monday Listicles gives us an opportunity to brainstorm and list. This week it was Christine, over at Random Reflectionz asked us to list up Ten Ways you are either the same or different than your younger self.

Inspired by this list, I have decided to branch off a bit, and offer the following.

Ten Words Whose Definitions Have Changed Over the Years

1. Friday Night

Then:
Evening begins around ten p.m. and includes multiple alcoholic drinks, suggestive dancing, and a wardrobe that accentuates curves and boobs.

Now:
Pizza or take out, pajamas, and passing out into a bowl of ice cream while sprawled on the sofa while watching Fringe. After maintaining one is not exhausted, one succumbs to the comfort bed before eleven o'clock news theme has finished.

2. Sleeping Late

Before:
Making it to McDonald's in time for breakfast is a victory. More likely than not, brunch at the local bagel shop before noon is the norm.

After:
7:30 am M-F
And because it's the weekend, 7 am.

3. Hair

Before:
Stylish cut and highlights to add depth and dimension to one's hair. Daily blow out and style, a must.

After:
Cut to slim the face, and color to hide the grays. Blow out when necessary, to the point the kids ask, "Whatcha do to your hair mama?"

4. Dining Out

Before:
8:30 reservation, party of two, cocktails, appetizers, entrees, desserts with after dinner drinks. A hefty price tag and a three hour meal.

After:
If we're lucky, 6:30 party of four, bread and crackers to hold over the two while their chicken fingers and grilled cheese is being prepared, while Mom & Dad play rocks, paper, scissors to decide who gets to drink!
That of course, is the scenario if we're not eating at a diner or Panera.

5. Halloween

Before:
A time to be a slutty school girl a la Britney Spears, sexy nurse, or sport some other inappropriately short and almost indecent costume, while attending a Halloween party with others in inappropriately nearly indecent costumes, engaging in keg stands, jello shots, and beer pong.

After:
Staring in disbelief as one's four year old points to inappropriately, nearly indecent Halloween costume in catalog and maintains that that is the costume of her choice this year. Celebrating the change to Jessie from Toy Story, while putting off the anxiety that will come with Halloween costume shopping with a tween.

6. Working Out

Before:
Arriving at the gym after work, to attend various classes with favorite teacher at whichever time listed on the schedule.

After:
Does running up the stairs count?
Because attempting to make it to a class at the gym that doesn't interfere with school pick up/drop off, meal time or nap time, is next to impossible.

7. Birthdays

Before:
A time to drink and party and eat some cake!

After:
Screw the party, give me the cake!

8. Fertility

Before:
Two Words: The Pill

Source: someecards.com via Amanda on Pinterest

After:

Source: iwastesomuchtime.com via Jackie on Pinterest

9. Minivan

Before:
Why?
I'll never.

After:
Insert Hallelujah chorus here: 

Source: naughtybettyinc.com via Julie on Pinterest

How does one with children live without it?

10. My Body

Before:
I need to loose a few pounds.
I think I'm attractive some days.
Thank God, my boobs are looking good.

After:
I need to loose a lot of weight after this next kid pops out.
It's amazing what a shower, a little make up, and a blow out can do for one's appearance.
God, my boobs are enormous right now!

What's changed or stayed the same for you over the years?
Link up!

Lunch & a Swim

Sitting down on the bench, I didn't want to look lonely, I didn't want to come across desperate, too eager for company, so nonchalantly I stumbled through the contents of my purse. Finding my NON smart phone, I cleared my text bank, contemplating what to do next. I decided to send a text to a friend inquiring about their recent concert experience to see Fresh Beat Band.

Looking up just as she walked in. Professionally attired; black jacket, purple blouse, with a professional pin on her lapel holding the folder in her arm. Adjusting my Lands End rain coat, on the sunny day, our smiles meet. It has been sometime since I last saw Amanda, but since the inception of Facebook our friendship has been rekindled.

Working for the wonderful world of Non-Profit Public Relations, a recent fundraising campaign included swimming has been her most recent project. To my surprise, an email had been sent asking me to meet to pick my brain for ideas.

I will admit, I was hesitant at first mainly because it has been just under four years since I last used my brain.

Okay, that's not completely true.

Sure, I use my brain daily.  In the realm of parenthood, decisions need to made over which toy would be less annoying for the Easter baskets or how long is it appropriate to let a child cry it out in their crib when they obviously are exhausted but continue to cry.

Other times, I flex this muscle (it's a muscle right?) as I search for the perfect words to formulate my posts here, be it relaying a particularly funny antidote or completing a weekly writing prompt. Writing and editing has exercised portions of the brain.

But outside these two realms, I fear that those portions of my brain that I used in the working world might have turned into grey mush and died.

What different worlds Amanda and I now live.

She the professional, running from office to event. Teaching undergraduate courses, and networking with important people.

Me the full time mom. Pulling up in the minivan littered with stuffed animals and lollipop wrappers. Running from swim lessons to doctors appointments, and talking it out at the playground.

I would be lying if I didn't admit I was worried that this lunch would be a huge failure.

That since my tenure as competitive swimmer had long since ended, I would not be able to help.

That we would sit there, staring at each other after the initial "How are you?" talk was over, waiting for the food.

That my time as a mom had negatively impacted my ability to adequately converse with someone over a topic outside of motherhood.

I feared I no longer resembled the person I was when I graduated college nearly twelve years ago.

Alas, we sat.
We talked.
We shared.
We laughed for nearly two hours.

All those reservations I had worrying that I had lost the person I used to be slowly dissolved over the course of our lunch.

That person who would leave the house at seven in the morning and not return until eight at night after commuting, teaching, graduate school and the commute home is long since gone. In her place stands me of now. The woman who plans ridiculous birthday parties, takes day trips to the beach, and spends close to every waking hour with her children. And apparently, unless Amanda was just feeding me bullshit, helped her out with this fundraiser.

It seems that my brain isn't completely mush after all.

Looking for something to do for the greater good this summer?

What about Swim For MS

Sponsored by the Multiple Sclerosis Association of America

I Used to Be....

I used to be fun.

I used to be a night owl.
I used to be a riot.
I used to be easy going.
I used to be relaxed.
I used to sleep late.
I used to dress stylish.
I used to work out.
I used to work out of the house.
I used to be someone else.

Sometimes, I miss that person.
She was pretty cool, now that I think back to her.

That girl who's biggest worries were reserved for things like wondering if her pants made her ass look too big, or which restaurant for dinner on a Friday night.
Mortgage refinacing and nap training were not part of her vocabulary.

I think back to my time before becoming a parent longingly. If I could drop in for a moment, I think I would shake myself, and yell, "Sleep more! Eat out more! Vacation more! Spend more time just the two of you alone."

Don't get me wrong.
I love my life now.
We are truly blessed to have two smart, beautiful and strong little girls, a home we intend to live in forever, and a lifestyle that permits us treats like Laurie Berkner Band tickets for Christmas and occasional nights out to dinner.
But, when I think back to that carefree easy life, I'm jealous a bit,
Especially the way my ass used to look in those jeans.

What a Trip!

Mama Kat's Prompt this week:
1.) Did you create a list of 22 things you’ve done in your life last week?
 Yes, Here it is.  
This week, choose one item from your list and elaborate! We want the story

20. had to rename our honeymoon to a babymoon after discovering myself pregnant three weeks before departure.

I sat back down into the chair. My eyes glanced across the table. Placing the glass to his mouth, his eyes met mine.
I mouthed, "Nope", as the conversation continued around.
His eyes widened.
I believe it may have been fear I saw in Bry's eyes at that moment.
"Another toast", Lynsay said.
My glass of wine raised back in the air, as we congratulated our most dear friend, Steve on his new position.
This celebratory dinner in honor of Steve happened to coincide with another first.
One that had been disclosed to Bryan only a few hours before.
It was still only a possibility, a perhaps, and maybe.

However, it was the very first evening I suspected I was pregnant.

Between appetizer and entree at our favorite Seafood restaurant, I had excused myself to the restroom anticipating a certain monthly arrival.
Already a day late, I was sure it would come.
It never did.

Visiting my mother in law the following day down the shore, I knew it would arrive on the beach. Of course, what could be more embarrassing then an incident in a bathing suit?
The day was spent basking in the sun, wading in the sea, and reading uninterrupted.

It never came.

We dined alone at a local bar, and taking it's absence as a sign, I ordered a soda.
No alcohol for me, as Bry shook his head in disbelief.

Could I really be pregnant?

Over a meal of cheesesteaks and fries, we developed a plan of action. In an attempt to avoid any family members, we would purchase two different pregnancy tests at the drug store down the shore. However, we would wait until we arrived home that evening to test.
It would only be a few hours and then we would know with certainty.

Arriving at our house, we abandoned our bags in the car and fled to our bedroom.
Having consumed a rather large iced tea during the hour and half ride home, my bladder easily performed its duty with the test.
Placing the plastic stick onto the counter, I walked into our bedroom.
Lying on the bed, his arms covered his eyes as he spoke.
"Do you think we can handle this?" he said. Lifting his arms off his face, looking straight into mine.
"I sure hope so," I began, "I mean, if we're pregnant".
I watched the minute pass, and then another, and then another.
Three minutes.
Exactly what the directions has instructed.
Walking into the bathroom, my stomach and heart jumped as I reached for the stick.

+

Tears began to fill my eyes, as I could hear the sobs over take my body.
Rising from the bed, he wrapped his arms around me.
"I thought this is what you wanted" he asked, kissing my head as he finished.
"It is". I said, "but what about our trip?"
Only three weeks from that day we were scheduled to spend seven days on the island of St. Barth's. The honeymoon we had spent nearly two years saving and planning for, was less then a month away.
Now, how would pregnancy throw a wrench into those plans?
"I guess you just won't drink" he said, laughing.

And that's the only thing I did miss.

Another year older....wiser?

The Talking Heads have a song called Once in a Lifetime and these lyrics have been spinning around my head the past few day.
It has just hit me.
I am officially in my thirties.
I am a thirty something suburban housewife
And mother!
WTF?

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself-well...how did I get here?

Seriously, how did I get here?
I wonder when I became this grown-up who asks for gift certificates to Target and Lowes for her birthday?  Where are the nights out?
Where are the dinners?
The drinks?
The vacations?
When did I become a grown-up?

And you may ask yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
How do I work this?
And you may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?

"Life goes by quickly" my mother would lament.
I never really understood this until recently, as my mind holds tight to many memories.
The first day of high school, those jitters in my stomach still seem so fresh.
The khaki halter dress sticking to my sunburned back under my white graduation robe that date in June.
Piling into my parents minivan, heading to college. I remember walking into my first dorm room, staring at the photos of my soon to be roommate.
Meeting Bry for the first (technically second) time in the lobby of those dorms.
Parties, formals, trips to the bar.
Swim meets, Student teaching assignments, walks through the campus,
Bathing suits, warm ups, and acceptable teaching attire.
The black gown and piece of paper.
It seems like yesterday.
So vivid.
So clear.
So real.
But it was not.
It was 19 years since those first butterfiles the night before freshmen year of  high school.
15 years since that first ride through the campus gate.

When did I get old?
I don't feel that old.
I don't feel like I've changed that much since my time in college, (grant it my body looks a whole helluva lot different)

Can someone tell me when I became a grown-up?

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?

This post was intially written on September 3, 2009, exactly one day after I turned thirty-one. When I read this weeks "Dare to Share" link, immediately my mind came back here. I have updated and reworked some sections.
It’s that time again! Another Dare to Share Linkup! This week’s theme is music. We’d like you to share a post, new or old, that focuses on music in some way. You can post a poem, fiction, memory, or essay. Dare to Share is anything goes link up…as long as you stick to theme.

Yum!

In case you haven't realized it, I seem to partaking in quite a few writing prompts lately. Most have been heavy; posts that make me think. The ones that leave me scratching my head a bit, or needing a stiff drink. The Good Life offered a new prompt, and if you know anything about me, it's a winner: FOOD!

So Bill from Smells like Borscht suggested for us to do list of ten dedicated to food. Anything to do with food.

Favorite Foods:

Dining out edition

1. Mushroom Risotto

La Gaiac Restaurant, Le Toiny Hotel, St. Barth's

I still dream of this creamy dish. Chewing was optional, as it melted in my mouth.  Our first night in paradise, this was the appetizer I had and now, six years later, it's still one of my most favorite meals, ever.

2. Pisces Aphrodite

Pisces Restuarant, Key West, FL

The smell of this appetizer was heavenly, and the fragerance lingered for the entire meal. Wine, butter, puffed pastry, and shellfish, heaven.  

3. Aranci Cakes with vodka sauce

Peasants of Hamilton,  Hamilton, NJ

Whether an appetizer or an entree, Bry and I would decide in the car whose turn it was to get these risotto cakes. The vodka sauce held the perfect balance of tomato and cheese, complimenting the fried cake stuffed with mozarella swimmingly.

4. Paella a la Valenciana 

(preferably with a multitude of pitchers of sangria)

Sevilla Restaurant, New York, NY

Once upon a time, we lived but a train ride away from New York City. Many a Friday or Saturday evening, we waited balancing glasses of red sangria in hand out the door onto the sidewalk. Often we'd pass on the middle tables, instead waiting for one we liked. Always, ordering the Paella a la Valenciana and never having a disappointing meal. Lobster, chicken, chorizo, clams, mussels, and lots of saffron infused rice. 
 Sigh, some day we will make it back.

5. Chips on Fish

SeaBlue Restaurant, Borgata Hotel and Casino, Atlantic City, NJ

When we dine out, usually I order fish. Upon discovering a fish coated in thin sliced potato, I had to try and I was not disappointed. A new way to do fish and chips.

6. Blackened Catfish Filet

410 Bank Street, Cape May, NJ

Bananas, Tomatoes, and Catfish together sound like a strange combination. Surprise! Try phenomenal!  With a menu filled with fabulous dishes, of wish I've had most, I still look forward to the catfish.

7. Crab Fries with Cheese Sauce

Various Chickie & Pete Locations

Not everything requires utensils, or even a table for that matter. At a baseball game, with a cold beer, the salty, spicy seasonings on the french fries made only tastier as it's dipped into a cheese sauce.
Eating with your fingers never is better.

8. Fluffernutter Sundae

Duffer's Restaurant, Wildwood, NJ

There may or may not be a rumor circulating that I have eaten this entire sundae even after finishing a sandwich and fries prior. But seriously, peanut butter ice cream, peanut butter sauce, marshmallows, peanuts, homemade whipped cream, and a part of pizelle, would you leave any remaining?
 I think not.

9. Cheese plate,... no short rib flat bread, ...wait, the mushrooms,

Forget it, the entire menu!!!

Amada, Philadelphia, Pa

There is a reason Jose Garces is an Iron Chef. His restaurant of authentic Spanish tapas has no bad plates. Having done the tasting menu, on two different occasions and also had the experience of dining with a large party, we have tried just about everything.  It's all delicious. Cheese pairings with honey and nutella, flatbreads with chorizo, shrimp, and white beans, lamb meatballs with shaved cheese, my mouth is watering.

The sangria isn't too bad either.

10. Pork Roll, Egg, & Cheese

Bagel Chateau, Westfield NJ

Imagine starting the day with eggs, cheese, and pork roll smothered in ketchup between an everything bagel. Whether it is consumed to combat the ill effects of a little too much drinking the night before or to satisfy the hunger post-work out, I can think of no more perfect breakfast, preferably with a side of chocolate milk.

That's my list. I can only imagine that as soon as I press "post" more favorites will circulate my brain, however at this moment, these are my top ten in no particular order. Being a mom to two little ones, my dining out options now mainly consist of the diner or Chick Fil A, however, every so often, I dust off the grown up clothes and together Bry and I head out to dinner free of sippy cups and chicken nuggets. 

Thanks to Jen at Runnermom for introducing me to The Good Life's Monday Listicles!

Support

The weight of the day was felt in every inch of my body. I fought back the tears as I looked up to the clock.
Three Twelve.
I still had eighteen minutes until I was free.
As I walked back to my desk, I browsed my surroundings. Colorful and bright, I had made the classroom an inviting place, but at that moment I wanted out.
I wanted to run,
to throw open the doors,
offering my resignation as I ran by,
escaping the complete and utter chaos that was my class.
This was not the job I had imagined.
My naivete in full bloom.  Promised a class of language and learning disabled kindergartners, instead multiple social and emotional impairments met my novice self.  Resources were lacking, and being a new teacher I had yet to understand the need to advocate for myself.
Instead I wallowed in silence.
I brought it all home, but candy coated it for my family and friends.
Through gritted teeth I'd say "It's not so bad" or "I know it will get better", knowing the opposite.
I dreaded each day, but each morning arrived one of the first in the building.
I dreaded not being there, for fear of what would happen in my absence.
It was too much.
I dropped my head onto the desk, and wrapped my arms around. In this little cocoon, I hid my tears. It was only October. The thought of eight more months made me nauseous. How could I do this, I wondered?
I heard the knock on the open door.
Lifting my head, I saw Chris, a fantastic occupational therapist assigned to the majority of my students.
"Can I come in? I need to talk about a few programs." she asked.
Wiping the tears from my face, I faked a smile and shrugged an okay.
The next thirty minutes programs were never addressed, instead the flood gates opened and I confessed all my misgivings.
The fears and struggles I had been embarrassed to share, the frustrations, the irritations, the sadness. There she sat, listening as the tears returned.
Emotionally spent, I looked to her and she said what I needed to hear:
Validation,
Encouragement,
Friendship,
and
Levity.
As we walked out together that day, I realized I would be okay and maybe even happy in the class, eventually.


That was nearly nine years ago and I still consider Chris one of the finest unofficial mentors I have every had. She saved me, honestly, from changing fields.
Thank you Chris!

This week you were asked to write about a mentor, someone who guided or inspired you. How did your mentor impact your life?

Happily Ever After...finally.

The Honeymoon- the usual culminating activity of the bridal process. In many great movies where weddings are a central theme, the guests and family wave and shout frantically as they send off the happy couple. Many times the bride changes from her wedding dress into a suit, obviously the most appropriate attire for travel, and off to start the rest of their lives they go. Annie and Brian from Father of the Bride, Shelby and Jackson from Steel Magnolias, Samantha's older sister and husband in Sixteen Candles, the list goes on... Happily ever after, as they drive into the sunset.
However reality isn't always so sequential, so scripted.

The wedding was stunning, everything I had always hoped and more.
A warm October evening,
Fantastic food, family and friends,
Dancing and drinking the night away.
Our subtle beach themed, fairly classic wedding.

Purse strings stretched tightly, we decided to postpone a honeymoon.
Responsibilities to maintain. 
Debts to pay.

In a few months, maybe over the holiday.
Responsibilities to maintain
Debts to pay.

No in the summer,
Definitely in the summer.
August would be perfect.

I'm sorry, it appears you have a blood clot in your lung.
What?
Health to maintain.
Debts to pay.

Maybe for the new year?
Responsibilities to maintain
Debts to Pay

"I'll take care of it," he said. "We deserve something big."
Responsibilities maintained
Debts Paid

Two weeks before, a positive pregnancy test.
Between tears, I managed to offer my apologies for ruining our much delayed and anticipated honeymoon.
Kisses and hugs and reassurance in only the most fitting of ways.
"It's okay, at least I can still drink!"

When we returned,
Major responsibilities to maintain
Debts to pay
'
But for seven days,
alternate reality.
Honeymoon turned baby moon,
our own little slice of heaven.

Breakfast set up daily

One of the semi-secluded beaches

Toes in the sand

Blissfully unaware of the perils of pending parenthood

Flicker of Inspiration Prompt #8: I Need a Vacation

Write about a trip either you or a character has taken. It doesn't need to be a literal trip but can be more of figurative journey. If you're writing memoir, what do you remember most about this trip? Do you remember what it's like to go somewhere you've never been? If you're writing fiction, describe your character's trip vividly. Make us feel what your character felt, see what they saw, experience what they experienced. Come back and take us on your journey by linking up next Sunday.

After attempting to write a new piece to address the prompt for the Red Dress Club,  I realized this piece was it. This week's prompt asked us to write about a time that rhythm, or a lack thereof, played a role in your life. And don’t use the word “rhythm.”

Vamos a Espana

"Jac, do you hear that?" Ashley yelled over to me.
"huhh?" I mumbled, the covers wrapped around my neck.
"Jackie, Ashley, are you guys awake?" her voice muffled through the door as her hands continued to pound.
"Oh my God!" I yelled. "I can't believe we overslept on our first day in Spain!"
This set the tone for the trip:  hurried and frantic, attempting to get as much as we could in during the four days, three nights we spent in the Costa Del Sol, Spain.
When I think back, I still cannot believe fourteen families agreed to send their wide eyed high school juniors and seniors half way around the world with one chaperone. Dr. U, our eternally upbeat and hyper Spanish teacher had discovered this extended weekend away and opened it to those in Spanish three and four. Lucky for us, we had a chaperone with a doctorate in Spanish. It appears the three or four years of high school Spanish did little to prepare us for the actual conversational skills needed, as I found myself asking often "Habla ingles?".
Our iteneria swelled with train rides, strolls brisk walks through Valencia, dinners out, sightseeing, and shopping. We went to Plaza de Toros de Mijas, and watched a bullfight. Looking back, the actions of a bullfight had dance like qualities, and I remember being equally appalled and intrigued as I watched.
We were given two hours of free time the last day and our group remained intact as we headed to the beach.
The tiny smooth pebbles shifted underneath my feet as I walked to the water. I was a competitive swimmer, so I usually preferred the chlorinated water of a swimming pool to that of the ocean, but today was different. It was the Mediterranean Sea, and the panic of never knowing if I would ever be in the position to see it again made any hesitations about wading escape my mind. The voices around me debated the merits the air temperature compared to the water, but it fell on deaf ears. I would make it into the Sea. My feet met the freezing water as a rush of adrenaline filled my body. I could have stopped, but I was determined and into the water I walked further.
"Take my picture Ash. I can't believe I'm in the Mediterranean Sea." I hollered, holding back any shivers. That photo remains in my scrapbook.
That last night, after we had dinner and returned to our room for the night, Ashley and I debated sneaking out with some others to the beach. Apparently someone had procured pear brandy, and the plan was to share the one bottle on the beach. As usual, we were over cautious and remained in our room, frightened of the consequences our one chaperone had threatened. It was in that evening that we made our promise.
"We have to come back here someday" I said, "just you and me".
"When we're older, like in twenty years" she laughed.
Twenty years seemed so distance, so far into the future, especially at 17.

We have five years Ashley, so start practicing your Spanish!

School trips. We all go on them. What trip do you remember the most? Where did you go? Who was with you? How did you get there? Have you ever been back?
Write a memoir post about a memorable school trip. Word limit is 600.

Dear Jackie, (circa 1995)

Dearest Jackie,

  As you read this, you are probably wondering how a letter from "future you" arrived in your hands?  Please consider it divine intervention.
After that, most likely you are looking to the clock, wondering why on a Saturday evening a version of you is sitting home on the computer instead of being out with friends? I imagine that you imagined  future you would be dining out with your husband while a babysitter sat home with your blissfully sleeping children.
Sorry, that is not happening, however  while the happily ever after you imagined does occur, there are a few regrets and words of advice  future you has for current you (errr me?).
I know that you value advice that isn't wishy washy or sugar coated, so let me keep it direct and to the point and of course in list form.
I know how much you, me, we appreciate lists.

1. Don't expect too much from your group of friends, except Ashley.
    You know deep down that most of the people in your circle of friends aren't really that similar to you, or similar to each other for that matter. They are a hodge podge of people who somehow found connections for the moment.  While they serve as companions now, in the future Ashley will be the only one that is standing by you...always. Treasure her and keep that friendship a priority.

2. Relax a little...no a lot!
 There's no reason to be so uptight all the time. Chill out! The habit of always running from one thing to the other leads itself to disaster and exhaustion. You will find this out next year.  Quit always trying to do everything and give yourself a break. Enjoy some time just relaxing at home with mom and dad, maybe even Jeanna and Joey. I give you permission to skip things like work or practice every once and a while too.

3. Write more!
     Writing is one activity you do enjoy but never truly dedicate any time or effort. I know you enjoy writing center in school, so do it a little more. Get a journal and write things down, be it stories, personal reflections or things that make you laugh. (Your friends do and say some crazy things.)

4. Have confidence in yourself!
     First and foremost, you are NOT fat! Get over that. Wear a bikini at the beach, without worry and without covering yourself up. Remember you are a good two to three inches taller then most of your girlfriends and you are an athlete. Of course you're body type is different, but it's good different!
   Dress in clothes you like. Walk tall and carry yourself with confidence. You are strong, smart, and beautiful. Don't let your inner self tell you differently, or anyone else for that matter. 

5. Expand your social circle.
    Make new friends. Give people a chance. The pecking order of high school is not indicative of outside society. Social circles can be fluid, and you should circle amongst many.

6. Don't take yourself so seriously all the time!
   Don't follow all the rules all the time! (Sorry mom & dad!) You have a tendency to over think things. Live in the moment and sometimes do something you're "not suppose".  For example next year, when you go to Spain- sneak out. Honestly, what do you think Dr. U will do to you half a world away if you're caught?

7. Don't fear rejection.
   Think of it as a learning experience and I know how much you value learning. Put yourself out there, in terms of dating, social experiences, and trying new things. Speak your mind yet follow your heart.

To ease those fears:
You will get into college.
You will get a job.
You will find a guy who turns out to be "the one".
You will get your happily ever after and all that goes with that.

Enjoy the ride!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. For future reference when friends suggest driving "not too far " a week after getting your license, a trip which involves taking the expressway to Manayunk is not a good idea!

    Write a letter to yourself at age sixteen. What might you tell your sixteen year-old self? W0ould you warn yourself not to make a certain mistake? Would you ask yourself to treasure being young? Would you tell yourself how much you've changed? You can write the letter from your present self, or from someone else entirely. Feel free to take this in an unexpected direction. Good luck!

In Charge

I used my hip to push the door ajar, while I balanced the bags in my hands. Almost walking into the large knee high table, I laid my bags down. I switched on the overhead lights, and suddenly the room came alive. The calendar on the wall read September, with the little numbered squares velcroed below, waiting for little hands.

Adjusting the waistband of my skirt nervously, I waltzed around the classroom. Looking at all I had accomplished in those few weeks. Yellow paper now covered old and tattered cork board. Signs and charts indicating days of the week, months of the year, colors and shapes danced happily on the walls. I looked up over the windows and laughed. I thought back to the adventure it had been placing twelve cardboard bears dressed in monthly appropriate attire above the ten foot high windows. A task MacGyver would have appreciated helped to make the room kid friendly.

My hands were sweating and I could feel my breakfast churning in my stomach.
I looked to the clock.
I still had thirty minutes until their arrival.
I walked to the makeshift library I had assembled. As I ran my finger over the familiar texts, I couldn't help but smile. My dad had suggested bringing the Cookie Monster and Big Bird chairs from my childhood. They sat empty now, waiting for eager emerging readers. The reading area was ready.
I looked to the space beside it. Dress up clothes, baby dolls, play kitchen, table, and chairs combined with a stack of menus I had accumulated from various restaurants indicated the pretend area. I imagined little bodies moving amongst the toys, their play actually serving as a part of their education.
From there I nervously rearranged a few wooden blocks in the block area. Soon, they would create high towers and ceremoniously knock them down, blocks crashing into the ground as shrieks of laughter would follow. Now, before they arrived, the blocks stood quiet, anticipating the months of stacking and crashing.
This room already felt like a second home, a place I was meant to be.
The blue carpet swirled around my feet, almost mimicking waves of the sea. Sitting, kneeling, jumping, dancing, hopping, skipping, the kids eventually would do this and more here. They would laugh and sing all under my tutelage. They would grow up before my eyes.
I looked up again at the clock.
It was time and I was ready.
"Welcome to Kindergarten".


This week we asked you to write a prompt inspired by this sentence:
The first time I ________-ed after _________-ing.
We have no idea where this took you. We're excited to find out!

Daydreaming

Right now it's raining and overcast.
Again.
For the fifth day in a row, it's miserable out. We haven't been able to go to the park or for a walk or just run around the yard.
Mama's a little miserable here, the girls are making me on edge and I need a little bit of calm.
I started daydreaming, back to a time and place before babies and minivans and responsibilities.

My mind is on the beach overlooking the open waves.

In my mind, I would be sitting in my chair, drink in hand enjoying silence.

In my mind, I'm waking up (late) for a lovely breakfast on the patio overlooking our private pool.

In my mind, I'm tan, twenty pounds lighter, and enjoying a leisurely late dinner with my husband.
Crap, that's a kid crying, back to reality
je t'aime St. Barth's. See you again in my dreams.

Sand

This week's RemembeRED memoir prompt asked us to write a memory of sand.
The trolley pulled up the edge of the beach. It wasn't one of the access points we had scoured a few weekends before, but the gray clouds hovering overhead gave us little option to be picky.
"We'll probably only be a few minutes" He said, as we filed out of the big red car.
Carefully, I watched as all my favorite people in my life took the steps down to the beach. My parents walked out first, my dad helping my mom down the stairs. My little cousins Cassie and Mark followed my parents. They were in first grade and needed that parental guidance my parents could give. My little brother, Joey who really wasn't that little any more walked out next. He was in college now, pursuing a degree in elementary education, just like me. Then my next door neighbor Tara. She was a few years younger, and growing up was like the littlest sister in our neighborhood, tagging along as we played. Next came my cousin, Cindy. She was the athlete I had always longed to be, there was no debating that. Bill walked out next. One of Bry and my closest friends and his roommate for four years of college. We considered him a real brother, as is Steve who had to duck as he descended the stairs. When Bry and he stood next me, it made me feel small, a feat in itself. Ashley was next. Who would have thought that the dark haired girl who sat two seats ahead of me in homeroom freshmen year of high school would end up being one of my dearest friends? Casey was next. Bry's little brother and now a friend. It took a while to get to that point, but alas, growing up had finally brought them to that relationship. Finally, my little sister Jeanna. No one else could be the one standing next to me but her.
"Do you need anything?" she asked.
I replied, "Nope!"
She flip flopped down the stairs, her curly hair piled up beautifully on the top of her head.
"You really do look beautiful" he said, as I stood up taking off my blue flowered heels. They had been an impulsive purchase online, but fit the day perfectly."I love that you look like you today!"
It was true, my hair wasn't styled that different from how I normally wear it. My make up was light and my jewelery sparse. I had gone to the tanning salon a few times, but for the most part my tan was a remnant from a few summer day trips to the beach.
I grabbed my terracotta flip flops, the same color as the girls dresses, and put them on my toes.
"I'm ready!" I said "Let's go!"
I slowly gathered my skirt into my hands as not to trip, he held the roses as we walked down the aisle of the car. He walked first down the staircase, and offered his hand, new ring on his third finger to me. I couldn't help but smile. The camera flash went off as I stepped off the trolley into the sand. My new husband held my hand as we walked along the sand. The rain drops starting falling lightly as he held the umbrella over my head.

Happy Four Years to us!

It has been four years since Bry and I made it official. We had a beautiful wedding and the weather cooperated for us at least for the most part. Bry loves to tell people how ridiculously humid it was that day, and how he was sweating like a pig on the altar. He did look like he had been soaked. A little after the ceremony we were able to get a few pictures on the beach before the rain started. That rain continued for 10 days straight, causing the chapel where we were married to loose power the next day. Lucky for us it wasn't our wedding day, though I still feel bad for the couple that did get married without the organ, or lights or ceiling fans!
I know it's been four years but I still have two regrets from the big day.
1. My bouquet
I should have gotten a trial bouquet before the wedding. I thought it would be a lot bigger and so when I look back at those pictures, I still think it looks too small for my size. I loved the flowers, I just wish there were more of them!

2. The Cake
Before the ceremony, I had given Bry orders to check out the reception site to ensure set-up was to our liking. It was there, the time right before the wedding, that Bry found out what a disaster our cake turned out to be. We had wanted something fun, like this:
I should have known that when the baker, who was included in our package, balked at the idea because "I don't want people thinking that I messed up the cake." that we would not get want we wanted. We wanted fun, and in a color palette to match everyone else- terracotta, yellow, and white. As we piled into the trolley after the ceremony, I asked Bry had everyone looked at the reception site. After giving me the details of how beautiful the tables and flowers looked, he surprised me with the line "the cake is purple!".
Excuse me? The cake did not look like anything we had wanted. Besides the colors being off, the design itself was horrible. We ended up with this PURPLE disaster, leaving me to wonder if the baker wanted the guests to think he created crap?


In the end, the music, food, and drink were wonderful. Everyone had a fabulous time, or at least that's what they told us, and we finally made it legal. It was, by far, the best party I have ever been to and I hope someday we can recreate that atmosphere again.

Happy Four Years Married Anniversary Bry! Oh, and happy 13 years together too!

The Story of the Tastykake

When I was little, my dad worked nights for Conrail.
Yes there was a time where I thought my father was an engineer. Not the type that designs things, the type that sits in the front of a train and gets to pull the whistle and wear this hat. But no, that wasn't his job. He was "Network Control", whatever that means.
Anyway, as usual, I'm off the topic.
So my dad would work 11 pm to 7 am. On our birthdays he developed his own tradition. I know some families have pancakes or french toast or eggs for breakfast. I bet a few of those out there reading this would have their mother (or father) make them their favorite breakfast for their birthday. That was not the case in our home. On his way home from work, my dad would stop at Wawa and pick up our favorite Tastykake. We then would sit at our dining room table, place a candle or two into the dessert, and sing happy birthday. Then it was off to school or to play for the day.
Each one of us had our favorite. I loved the peanut butter Kandy Kake. Unfortunately, they were often too hard and the chocolate would crack. On occasion, the candle would fall out. My brother was a fan of the krimpets, I think or was it the cupcakes. My dad and my mom really didn't care too much. My sister, however, was another story. The only Tastykake she would eat were the jelly krimpets. No cupcakes, no butterscotch icing, and no peanut butter.
As we got older, my dad left Conrail and so went his night hours. He still would get us the Tastykake for our birthday. I think sometime when I was in college, that tradition stopped with me. I'm assuming it stopped with the other members of my family too. That is, until this past January.
My dad turned sixty on January 20. I was racking my brain with some gift for him. My mom, brother, sister and I talked about throwing him a surprise party. Money was tight and so that option was put on hold until 65 or his retirement. (Whichever comes first!). I thought about getting him tickets to a Phillies game or something else related to his beloved team, but that to me wasn't too original. And then, it dawned on me as I was walking through the grocery store and saw a display.
Tastykakes would be the perfect gift! At first I was going to mail 60 actual packs of Tastykakes (Not boxes, packs). After some thought and discussion with Bryan over how ridiculously much 60 packs (that would 120 cupcakes/krimpets/kandykakes) would be. I decided to do five boxes of cupcakes.
Follow my math: Five boxes of cupcakes = 60 cupcakes
1 box = 6 packs of cupcakes, 1 pack = 2 cupcakes
I boxed up the boxes of tastykakes, with 60 candles and a little card explaining the gift.
I told my mom to have my dad open the box in the morning. Unfortunately, he didn't get the box until close to noon, but he loved the idea behind it. He was a little pissed that I spent $7.00 to ship them. But hey, it was worth it!
For Moira's first birthday, I made a point of getting her her birthday Tastykake. I ended up settling on Butterscotch krimpets.
She seemed to enjoy them!

Taking the candle out before she dives in.


So yummy she can't keep her eyes open!

Krimpet is TRASHED!

I hope to keep this tradition up with my own family now. So, if you see me at Wawa on April 1, February 18, or September 2, you know to point me in the direction of the Tastykake display.

Started maternity leave today

Okay, officially the Board of Ed. started my maternity leave last Monday, but today is the first real day of leave. The first real day where my kids are in school and I am not. :( I guess I thought I would have had the moose already, so my mind wouldn't have to think about what's going on in my classroom. Really, it's not mine anymore. I may have set up the routine and gotten things together, but it's no longer 1-S, because the S is missing!!!

Enough of me being a downer, already. I'm still big and prego. Bry and I are still trying to figure out which body parts are which as this kid continues to rule over my abdomen. Seriously, I cannot decipher what I'm feeling as there is SO MUCH of it! Still no contractions. Still no discomfort.

So what did I do today? Laundry- washed the sheets and some clothes. I did a little grocery shopping. Ben and Jerry's has a new flavor that is DIVINE- Chocolate chip cheesecake! Worth every single calorie. I just made swedish meatballs and they're in the gravy. I may be a good wife and make some Brownies for Bry. Haven't quite decided how good of a wife I am yet. Oh, yeah, I interviewed my brother, Joey for my grad class.

I really cannot procrastinate anymore. I have to interview then transcribe the interview and analyze it. Obviously with this kid coming any day I need to get it done! So, I interviewed my baby brother today about being a teacher. He is so excited and enthusiastic about his job! I hope he doesn't loose that zest because I know he enjoys himself and the kids adore him. Next stop, transcribing the interview. That is going to suck!

One day later...still pregnant.

Had an appointment today, and it appears that the Moose is enjoying it in there. His/her head is down, but not low. So, I guess he/she is not coming today or tomorrow. He/She will most likely be an April baby anyway.

I have to admit I am not uncomfortable. I have heard horror stories about not being able to sleep, or severe pain or discomfort. Luckily, I am feeling fine! I only wake up to turn over because all the extra weight causes my leg to fall asleep. My belly is nice and round and full of stretch marks, but I'm not in any discomfort....yet! I've decided to stop trying to figure out when he/she is coming! It's no use! I go back to the doc on Thursday (39 wk. 1d).

Bry's grandpop called tonight just to make sure I'm okay and there's no baby yet. My friend, Sam left the most hysterical message this morning as I was in the bathroom, believing I had gone into labor!! People you will know when the Moose is here! We've got the email list together, plus Joanne has her cell phone!!!!

Still Pregnant!

I won't lie, I really thought the Moose was going to come yesterday. No, I didn't have any cramps or anything, but for some reason March 26 was in my head. I have no idea why! Seeing as it is now March 27 and I am still big and round and pregnant, obviously I was WRONG!

I waddled to class last night. Boy, some of my classmates were surprised to see me! Thank God I didn't go into labor there. That would have been quite a sight. Now, it's just a waiting game. Lower back pain- check, Tiredness- check, Feeling like a bowling ball is between my legs- check, Baby------Baby-----Not yet!

Bry asked the Moose not to come out until this weekend at the earliest since he has so much work to do. I hope this kid hasn't chosen favorites already and is listening to his daddy. I'm both scared and excited to meet him or her! Plus, there are a lot of people waiting to find out "how big big is!".

Another doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully we'll get some good news. Whatever that means!

Happy Easter...from the preggo chick!

I FEEL HUGE! As is the holiday associated with chicks and bunnies and such, I guess it's only appropriate that I too am waddling like a duckling! We are taking it easy today. I many not even shower. (Sorry Jesus, not making it to church today!)

The infant car seat fits in Bryan's car! We can have the baby now! Okay, really I'm still not ready. I have some grad work I need to take care of first!

We went to the Hamilton Farmer's Market yesterday to hit up our favorite Polish meat stand and the gourmet cheese stand. It's honestly a sight to see. All these little Polish old ladies with their hair perfect ordering their Easter ham in Polish, standing next to some tall, yuppie, overweight guy in a Boston hat w/glasses (yup, Bryan) ordering a variety of cured kielbasa, ham, sauerkraut, and pierogies for our own Easter dinner. We then waltzed over to the gourmet shop. (Yes, there is an actual gourmet shop amidst the lady hawking Avon, the shop selling "used" kitchenwares, and a few bakeries). After tasting a few cheeses, okay, I could only eat one since I'm pregnant and I can't have "raw milk cheese", we left and placed our packages in the car. On our way home, the car developed a lovely garlic smell. I then remembered we had put in the infant seat! YIKES! Our poor baby smelling all lovely and clean from the hosptial will be put into a car and a car seat reeking of GARLIC! Not the first smell you would want your child to associate with you. After airing the car out for a few hours, it's fine. Crisis averted for now!

Again, Happy Easter to all! Our last holiday as a twosome!

Bye bye Walnut! Hello Comfy couch!

Today was my final day of work....and I'm sad :( Emotionally it's kind of freaky to think and know that it's done. The only thing left is baby. I enjoy the verbal exchanges I have with the kids. I enjoy laughing and lunching with my girls. To know that's done, is kind of depressing. Oh how I love lunches at Rock-N-Joe, even if they are slow and forgot avocado on my sandwich. YUM!

From the body standpoint, I AM FINISHED working! I seriously feel like the kid is sitting on my lap when I'm sitting down. I told Bry last night, when she/he is here, I'm going to place her/him straight across his lower belly (I know that will be tough) and let her/him sit there for a half hour or so. If she/he kicks him, good. Then maybe he'll have some idea of how low this kid feels. I'm also starting to get that great feeling on my pubic bone. All you mommies know what I'm talking about. After talking to so many people, I know this is only the beginning. But, the end is in sight, THE END IS IN SIGHT! Baby will be here soon...like under 20 days!

I've already been asked what I'm planning on doing now that I'm on maternity leave so here is the plan:

1- Sit on couch and watch DVR'd shows I haven't seen yet and various daytime t.v. Bring on TLC, BRAVO, and the new Price is Right!

2- Get a much needed pedicure! My toesies so need it right now. Plus I'm not sure if the pedi police check out the hospital

3- Make some returns/ shop a little. We only got a few doubles of outfits. Plus we got so many adorable onesies but no bottoms! Kohl's is having a sale tomorrow and I need to make some returns to Baby Gap...that might be a dangerous place for me :)

4- Sleep! (Enough Said!)

5- Research and write a paper for class. Yeah, I know, I know. I totally cannot procrastinate on this one. I know once the Moose is here, my mind will be elsewhere.

6- Catch up on the internet. I live for all that gossip!