Not the Way I Planned

On Friday morning, the mall opens at ten.
A green shirt with Christmas trees in a variety of colors paired with her jeans, was the intended outfit for Mo. The intention was for Maeve to wear something similar, as recently she has been more decisive with her wardrobe.
We were to see Santa.
Beat the lines that form later in the day, and have some quiet time with the big man. Share our list of three things, with the hope that he would bring one. Capture the moment forever, paying for the overpriced package and place that picture, most likely with Maeve screaming, in the frame to add to the yearly collection.
That frame remains empty.
The visit postponed.

Instead of a visit to Santa on Friday with the girls, I spent the day in the Emergency Room holding my husband's hand as we learned that I was miscarrying.

The day before Halloween, with my period a day late, we discovered I was pregnant.
Ecstatic and excited, we decided to keep it a secret a little while. My only sister had just the week before returned from a vacation to Jamaica with an engagement ring. With my previous pregnancies, she was the first call I made. This time, I didn't want to steal her thunder, so I kept it a secret.
For two days, it was just between Bry and I. Then on the first of November, my brother's birthday, I shared the news with he and his wife. They vowed to keep the secret.
Over the next few weeks we shared with our parents, and waited eagerly for that first ultrasound. Because of a prior health issue, I am considered a high risk patient. I need to be on blood thinners throughout, so a visit to the high risk doctor early on to confirm a heartbeat is a necessity.
The Monday after Thanksgiving, with my parents watching the girls, Bryan and I headed to the doctor. Entering the office, the familiar faces greeted me, making me feel welcome. The appointment started normally, with the typical blood pressure, weigh in, and like.
As I laid on the ultrasound table, I had no idea how different this appointment would go. At this stage, the heartbeat should be quite visible in the ultrasound.
But it was not.
Things were not what they should have been.
Instead of measuring 8 weeks 2 days, it was 6 weeks 2 days.
The ultrasound tech asked for assistance, and then asked for the doctor.
He struggled to find a heartbeat, and his calculations again had the pregnancy two weeks behind.
My heart dropped, and looking at Bry's face, I knew he felt the same way.
Two weeks behind.
Could our dates be off?
No.
Could the ultrasound be off?
No.
Is there something wrong?
Yes.
He instructed us to come back in two weeks. Another ultrasound would hopefully determine more.
For ten days, the possibilities of what could happen danced through our heads, our hearts, and conversation.

Miscarriage.
Chromosomal Abnormalities.
Having a child with severe disabilities.

Then it was out of our hands.

I was in the emergency room hearing the confirmation that my body had miscarried.
The past few days have been physically draining, but emotionally I am okay.
Really, I am.
Having had the gift of that ultrasound two weeks ago gave us the time to process that a miscarriage could be a reality. We had time to consider our options, to consider what the possibilities could have been and what that would have meant to our family.
We had time to grieve this loss before it was definite, and for that I'm grateful.

The frame remains empty for now, however on Friday, I have a date with Santa and two little girls.

Where I'm From...

This post was intially written a few months ago, but I feel like it fits this week's listicle perfectly. Not the traditional listicle format, but perfect none the less.

A few months ago, I stumbled upon the template to the Where I'm From writing exercise modeled after the poem by George Ella Lyon on another blogger's site. I initally found it on The Girl Behind in June of this year. Her eloquence, created such  a vivid picture of one's childhood that I was floored. Immediately I too copied the template, with the intention of filling my own words, my own life on those empty lines.
But then, it hit me.
That feeling that the task was too large. The task of finding the "right" words seemed overwhelming.
So I clicked, save and there the template sat.
Waiting for my words.
Days turned to weeks which turned to months and then it happened.
Imagine my surprise when I discovered the template listed amongst this week's prompts over at Mama Kat. I debated, should I finish? (really should I start?)
Reading Galit's version over at These Little Waves gave me that last push I needed.

Where I'm From 

I am from a town raised from steel, from Louisville Slugger and Heinz ketchup.

I am from the repetition of a suburban development.  Black mailbox, Black driveway, freshly mowed grass.

I am from the feisty dogwood tree sharing her spring blooms, the sound of the crickets breaking the nightly silence.

I am from Christmas Eve Mass and overindulgence, from Mom-Moms. and Pop-Pops and extended family too.

I am from the loud voices overtaking the room and the whispers found in it's corners.

From "Imagine if you applied yourself." and "Don't end up like....".

I am from the pew in the middle row. The promise of eternal life, and the Host every Sunday. From education about faith to shared breakfast after. From crowded manger scenes, to washing of the feet. From Amen and I believe.

I’m from small towns in Poland, Slovakia, and Ireland, overly buttered piergoies and tomato sauced topped stuffed cabbage.

From the farm my great grandfather managed, the rides on the back of the tractor down the dusty dirt road and the little boy who learned to ride a bicycle only after riding away on the one he had stolen.

I am from framed photos on the wall and matted in plastic lined albums. I am from little, few family heirlooms or mementos of monetary value. Instead, people filling the confines of a home. Rooms overtaken with life.
Family the core, the center, the most important.

I must add in non-poetic verse.

I am from the land of the Blob.

Yes, this Blob.

This movie was filmed here, and our local theater hosts a Blob Fest yearly.

Snowed

In layer upon layer, coat, scarf and glove.

Out the door I'm pushed into snow I do not love.

I do not want to go outside,

I do not like the snow.

Yet this falls on deaf ear

As my eyes begin to tear

I do not want to go outside,

I do not like the snow.

My feet feel heavy in my boots,

Down the stairs I slowly scoot.

I do not want to go outside,

I do not like the snow.

Through the glass a smile I see,

I'm jealous it's her inside not me.

I do not want to go outside,

I do not like the snow.

In my face, a snowball hits

God, this snow, it is the pits!

I do not want to go outside,

I do not like the snow.

My hands reach down, a target's in sight,

With a snowball I'm ready for the fight.

I do not want to go outside,

I do not like the snow.

On his head the snow falls

I laugh, then I hear my mom call,

"Do you want to come inside?

Do you like the snow?"

Well,

I do not want to go INside.

I LOVE the snow!

5.) Write a poem about a snow memory.
Last January, at the ripe old age of 2 3/4, she hated the snow. At least, that's what she told us. As I bundled her up, layer upon layer, she reminded me she didn't want to go out. I captured this photo moments before sending her out with Bry, after he had shoveled the front path. Quickly her frown turned into a smile. She had a lot of time to enjoy the snow last year, with record snow fall in the greater Philadelphia area.

Memories Captured

Time has a way of passing, often without realization or acknowledgement. Routine and the daily repetition of life, often clouds our view, preventing us from seeing those minuscule changes in our children. In what seems like overnight, they are different, changed.  At times nearly unrecognizable as facets of their personalities emerge, and their sense of self becomes stronger.
My girls are becoming independent creatures with distinct personalities and preferences. With each new day, I find myself in a constant state of wonder.
How did they get so big?
So smart?
So perfect?

The lovely Galit of These Little Waves and the fabulous Alison of Mama Wants This are hosting a link up entitled Memories Captured. We are encouraged to take a moment and reflect. Combine a favorite photo with text that captures a moment, and share.
For a moment, I did just this. I soaked up my girls as they are, at nearly two and almost four years. I could not help but fall in love with them again. My lovie girl and Sunshine.

Nice Girl List

Last week, Stasha gave us the guidelines for this first Listicle of December. She wrote "next week make a Christmas wish list please. The only rule, it must be for YOU. We are all making someone else happy and that is all swell, but let us write down what WE want. May it be world peace or a new pair of stilettos, pop it on YOUR list."
Something for me?
What is this idea of creating a list of my own desires?
I am a bit scared, my friends. Where do I start? Initially, I thought I would keep this list to the real world and forward it to my loved ones as a hint for the holidays. Keep things budget conscious, as I usually do. However, I said screw it, and decided to go big, really big.
Budget, Ha!
And Santa, if you are reading, I have been really good this year. I've eaten all my veggies, said my prayers, and been nice to my parents, children, and husband. I hope you consider me for your nice list.

My Nice List

 

1. Burberry Scarf

There is something about Burberry plaid that makes my heart skip a beat. Perhaps it's the classic style that appeals to me.  Wrapped around my neck on a cold January day, this scarf would dress up any day.

link

 

 

2. Blue Ball Jars

I may be the only person asking for these for Christmas, but I love them. I have written about my grandmother's collection of blue glass which is now mine, and I believe these jars would make the most beautiful and complimentary centerpiece for our dining room.

 

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3. A Personalized Sign from Barn Owl Primitives

The talented Kristi from Barn Owl Primitives makes some of the most adorable typography word art. Taking inspiration from children's songs like You are my Sunshine or creating Family Rules boards, I find myself imagining these pieces in bedrooms, family rooms, and playrooms in our home.

So cute & so crafty.

 

link

 

4. Fun Skirts

I spend most of my days in jeans or yoga pants. Being a full time mommy of a toddler and preschooler, means that my need for cute and flirty winter skirts is non-existient. I love the collection of fun skirts from Boden, and only wish I had some place to wear them.

 

5. Mom Car

I drive a minivan.

I don't mind it.

 I'll even admit the potential label of soccer mom doesn't freak me out either.

I drive a minivan, I'm a mom, no biggie.

I do, however, have car envy when I see a mom driving an Acura MDX.

link

 

 

6. Riding Boots

I don't ride horses.

I don't live on a farm.

I don't spend a lot of time in a position where I would need riding boots.

And I haven't gotten the courage to wear leggings or skinny jeans, 

 however I long for riding boots.

link

7. Calligraphy Lessons

I have always been complimented on my penmanship. Thank you Catholic School and the D'Neilan method. In turn, I have enjoyed writing out things like cards, envelopes, and name tags. I would love to kick it up a notch, and learn how to accurately write calligraphy. How perfect for Jeanna's wedding!

Heck, if I do it well, perhaps I could turn it into a work from home business.

link

 

 

8. Ghost Chairs

We have a very classic dining room right now: huge Persian rug, even larger wood table, a new Stickley buffet piece, and a small side board from my grandmother. I would love to turn the room on it's side a bit, and get ghost chairs, ten to be exact to offer bit of whimsy in the room.

 

 

link

 

9.  Mirrors

We have lived here for over three years and a great many walls are still unadorned. Our master bedroom is one of those rooms that just doesn't look finished yet. I have seen these before in the Potterybarn catalogue and thought how perfect above our bed. Alas, their price tag a bit high, so for now I wish.

link

 

10. A Happy Holiday for All

I guess I can't be too greedy.

I have so much to be thankful. My beautiful little girls, my fabulous group of friends and supportive family, as well as the love of my life, Bryan. My final item on my wish list is for all those who read this little blog to have a happy holiday season and wonderful new year.

 

Me: A to Z

Things have been a little heavy over here in the Land of Zilla. Thankfully, this fun idea popped into my blog view tonight. Exactly what I needed, that and Pinterest!

let's play {a - z}


A. Age: 33

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning Ugh. Thank you Just Like Mom cleaning service!

D. Dogs: None will ever be as great as Joker.

E. Essential start to your day: Chai Tea w/honey & milk

F. Favorite color(s): orange & green

G. Gold or Silver: Silver

H. Height: 5'7"

I. Instruments you play: Piano, not to well

J. Job title: Stay at Home Mom - Enough Said.

K. Kids: 2 lovely little girls

L. Live: Suburbs of Philadelphia

M. Mother’s name: Joanne

N. Nicknames: Jackie, Jac

O. Overnight hospital stays: c-section times two, week stay for that old blood clot (NOT FUN!)

P. Pet peeves: Beds not made, Dishes left in the sink in the AM, Biting nails

Q. Quote from a movie: Oh too many! We use this one a lot now that we're that old married couple w/kids.
"Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time" Old School.

R. Right or left handed: Right.

S. Siblings: one brother, one sister

T. Time you wake up: usually 7:15am

U. Underwear: Yes. I'm a fan of Hanky Panky panties, dare I say, divine!

V. Vegetable you hate: Not many, though I dispise watermelon even though it's a fruit.

W. What makes you run late: one word: BRYAN

X. X-Rays you’ve had: finger (rough four square game), wrist (accident in gym class in 6th grade), hips by my chiropractor

Y. Yummy food that you make: Banana chocolate chip bread, Christmas cookies, Piergoies

Z. Zoo animal: Polar Bears, though recently they've been a bit lazy, and I'm starting to enjoy the otters.





Linking up with Faith, Hope, & a whole Lotta Love and discovered from the lovely Stasha at The Good Life!

My View from the Top

This week we're throwing a virtual baby shower of sorts. Kim, from the Zook Book Nook is expecting her third little girl this week, and in anticipation of the arrival Stasha, our listicle maven, has moved her link to Kim's site.  This week's inspiration, 10 of our favorite photos.

The rain slowly began to fall. The weeks prior we have outlined our intentions for photos after our ceremony.

With each falling drop, our plans evolved. In place of a timely photo shoot on the beach, a few candids.

This my favorite.

Our purse strings and patience were tested. Nearly two years after the wedding day we finally escaped. Paradise at our fingertips.

Those first few weeks of survival, sleep stolen in any moment given. She had yet to discover her thumb, so the pacifier was her solace, my refuge from feedings.

Generations separate them. She recognized her own eyes in her great grandmothers. A smile shared.

Many surprises disclosed on this June morning.

First, upon arrival sharing that the house they thought they were invited to tour had already been purchased. Then walking room to room, the nursery location reveals the anticipation of another grandchild.

Winter 2009-2010

Snow

Piles and piles of snow holding us captive in our home.

The rosy cheeks reminiscent of her sister's. Her small body dwarfed by her father's large hands.

The transition from a home of three to four over, as the new norm has been established. Stealing a moment from play, daddy and his two little girls share an embrace.

Her disposition truly is like that of the Sunshine. Taking a moment from digging, she offers a smile.

She had waited all summer for the fall. She looked forward to being a "soccer girl", for kicking, running, and scoring. She longed for the shin guards, cleats, and soccer braids. Her enthusiasm the only motivation for his early morning wake up on Saturdays.